


Most Beautiful Thing

by yaruna



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV First Person, Spencer Reid POV, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-24 19:16:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 38,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4932001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaruna/pseuds/yaruna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A new case lands with the BAU, and the M.O. hits uncomfortably close to home. What will the team do when it looks like Reid might be the common denominator? Reid POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Target

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the characters of Criminal Minds! I merely use them for my own pleasure.

_You’ll never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have – Bob Marley_  

* * *

 

I came into the office at seven a.m., rubbing my eyes tiredly. We had arrived back from our last case shortly after four that same morning. The case had gotten to me, and I had been unable to get to sleep, so I had settled for just grabbing a shower at home before going back to the headquarters. The unsub had killed children; 10 before we got there, and four after. It would have been three if I hadn’t missed a glaringly obvious hint, and I was beating myself up over it.

‘Wonder boy?’ I looked up from pouring the coffee to see Garcia look at me with an arched eyebrow and a slightly exasperated smile. Wanting to ask why I was back so soon.

I smiled and sipped at my coffee. ‘Hi, Garcia.’

It did not seem like she was about to say anything more, and currently I did not really feel like speaking, so I stepped around her and went towards my desk.

‘Reid!’ she said sternly. ‘Why are you here? You just got home three hours ago.’

‘I need to get my report done.’ I shrugged.

‘You didn’t do it on the plane?’ she asked with a raised eyebrow.

‘Partially. I missed parts of it.’

‘That does not sound like you, Sherlock.’

I gave her a forced smile.

‘Don’t worry, Garcia. I’m alright.’

‘My door is always open, honey,’ she said with a smile and left for her own room.

‘Thanks, Garcia.’ I might not be much for sharing my private issues, although it always made me happy to know that they cared enough to ask. I had never had that before I joined the BAU.

The rest of the team slipped in between nine and ten, all looking to be different degrees of tired. None seemed to have gotten a lot of sleep, but cases with children always got to everyone. It’s always worse when the victims are kids, people that haven’t had a chance to live their lives yet.

‘Is everyone here?’ JJ asked, coming out of Hotchner’s office.

‘Yes,’ Prentiss answered, getting to her feet.

‘We have a new case,’ JJ said. ‘I’ll meet you in the conference room.’

We gathered our things and followed JJ into the room. This would never stop. No matter what happened on a previous case, there would always be a next one that we needed to get to. I could not let myself delve too much into the mistakes I had done on the last one, when needing to put my focus on the next.

The pictures that were put on the wall made me pause, and I squinted my eyes to see clearer. I knew some of these people. The board was divided in two, the left side contained pictures of people I knew I had seen before.

I sat down on one of the chairs, not letting the pictures on the left side out of my sight. Where had I seen them?

‘There are two cases here in Virgina,’ JJ said. ‘Starting with the ones on the left; we have four kills during the last three months.’

It made me frown. We never took on two serial killer cases at the same time, preferring to be focused on getting inside the mind of one unsub at a time.

‘All are killed in the same way,’ JJ continued, making me focus on her again. ‘They are tortured for hours before it seems like the unsub loses control and stabs them to death. The torture itself seems quite subtle, mainly blows to the abdomen area and smaller knife wounds. But the killing is brutal. He stabs them with anything between 30 and 50 hits.’

‘He might be angry with them,’ Morgan said. ‘He’s not getting what he wants from the torture.’

‘The victims are between thirty and fifty-five,’ Hotch said. ‘The first one is Dr. Donald Brown, age forty, worked at a private practice. Second is… Jeremiah Dales, age thirty-two, worked as a chemist and is currently getting his Ph.D. The third is Gordon Wells, age fifty-five, worked as a professor in physics at the university. Fourth is Trisha Daniels, age thirty, she worked as a programmer and mathematician.’

I sighed. I knew where I’d seen them.

‘A doctor, a chemist, a physicist and a mathematician?’ Prentiss said, lips pursed in thought. ‘They are all knowledge workers, but that is not much of a connection. There must be something else.’

‘There is,’ I said, quieter than I usually do.

‘Reid? You know something?’ Hotch said when I didn’t continue.

‘I knew them,’ I said and eyebrows on everyone in the team shot upwards. ‘They have all been at seminars I have attended. They have been there either as speakers or attendee.’

‘So he might be searching for his victims at such seminars?’

I nodded. ‘It’s possible. They all had some very interesting theories that I discussed with them. Jeremiah was working on a disputation regarding GM foods, I thought…’

‘Reid.’ Morgon shook his head, making me fall quiet. The contents of the work was unlikely to be connected to the case anyhow, so I continued on my train of thought, using Morgan’s hint to categorize the information on exactly what he had been working on as irrelevant. Or TMI as Garcia would call it.

‘They were all working on some quite controversial theories. But it is uncommon for someone to target so many different fields of science. Usually someone would focus on their own area of expertise.’

Hotch sighed and closed his eyes slightly, looking as though he realized something. ‘Unless they are targeting you.’

I raised my eyebrows, not having considered that simply possibility yet. As disconcerting as the thought was, it did have merit.

‘The other case, has some similarities to this one. But the profile is much more clear, here he has a preference. It is uncertain whether or not it is the same unsub as there are some distinct differences.’

‘These men have been found on a nearby location as the other dead,’ JJ said. ‘They have been missing for about a month before they turn up dead. More care is taken with these victims. They are laid gently onto the ground, arms by their side, and a single red rose on the chest.’

‘Actually, it’s more burgundy,’ I said, making everyone look to me.

‘Does it mean something?’ Morgan asked and I shrugged.

‘I’m not sure. A bright red rose typically symbolizes love. Burgundy, is used more at funerals, to represent mourning.’

‘So he mourns the losses of these men?’ Morgan asked.

‘Maybe,’ I said, and turned to Hotch. ‘What did he do to the for the month they were gone?’

‘They have had broken bones and bruises,’ Hotch answered. ‘They all have signs of having had various degrees of violent sex with another man. Finally, he kills them with a single stab wound from behind, straight through the heart.’

I wanted to throw up. I had seen the pictures of these men on the board, and I understood how Hotch had made the connection to me. I could very well be a target here. Who did I know that could have done this?

‘He likely has a temper issue,’ Prentiss said. ‘He mourns their passing, but he cannot keep from raping and, ultimately, killing them.’

‘They probably don’t match his fantasies.’ Morgan added.

‘The victims are all tall and lanky with brown hair?’ I asked and Hotch nodded.

‘Reid…’ Morgan breathed and I gave him a quirked smile and a small shake of my head, trying to tell him to leave it.

‘These victims connection is that they look alike. It is sexual in nature, the other is violent.’ Hotch looked at me. ‘If this is the same unsub, then you may be the common denominator, and it is likely that this person is targeting you, Reid.’

‘It could appear like it, but we cannot get hung up on that,’ I said. ‘It might be two completely different unsubs, or there is some other connection between these murders,’ I said, hanging on to hope. It could not be my fault that these people were dead.

‘Reid, JJ and Morgan, you go to the site where they found these four,’ he pointed at the left side of the wall. ’Prentiss, Rossi and I will go to the sites of the others.’

I stood up to leave when I looked at the dates that were printed on each case file, and it struck me as odd.

‘Hey,’ I said and everyone turned to me. ‘There has only been three rape victims found?’

‘To our knowledge.’

‘If we look at the dates they are lost and found…’ I muttered and stepped up to the board and started writing down the dates. ‘Our first rape victim went missing approximately one month before the first torture murder, and was found one day after. Within one or two days, the next rape victim went missing. This seems to fit for all occurrences. Except that we do not have a fourth missing person here.’

‘Daniels was found less than twelve hours ago,’ Morgan said.

‘Which means we have at most 36 hours to find this guy before he kills another one.’

‘He might have already killed him,’ I said.

Morgan smiled, and lifted an eyebrow. ‘Positive much?’

I shrugged. ‘Actually, I’m being realistic. Time of death typically seems to be within twelve hours after the torture victim.’

‘We assume he’s alive until we find a body.’ Hotch said. ‘Morgan, get Garcia and have her find all locations that these people might have visited within a month of their disappearance and death. Also have her check for people reported missing after the last rape victim was found. We’ll meet up at the local police station.’

I gathered up the files and we went out to the car with rushed steps. We were on a time limit.

I jumped in the back and tried to keep focused. What if all of these people had died because of me? Maybe I was being very self-centered, but I could not think of another denominator that would fit as well as I. All of the rape victims were similar to me, and all of the torture victims had at one time or another spoken with me regarding some of my theories.

‘Oh gods,’ I groaned as I realized what was going on.

‘Reid?’

‘I just realized, all of the torture victims have, at some time, discussed and somewhat disagreed with me on some of my works.’

‘ _Somewhat_ disagreed?’ Morgan asked, putting pressure on the first word.

‘Well, it is difficult to fully disagree with something proven by mathematics. However, they were all thinking I had missed some parts. I truly enjoyed discussing it with them.’ I sighed and quirked my lips, remembering the debates we’d had with each other.

‘I’ll call Hotch,’ JJ said, and I let her become a distant noise in my ears.

‘Hey, Reid,’ Morgan said silently, as to avoid disturbing JJ on her call. ‘Maybe you should sit this one out.’

I snorted in annoyance. ‘And let all these people continue being killed because of me? No thank you.’

‘You don’t have to go the scenes.’

‘I’m fine, Morgan.’

‘However distantly, you knew these people.’

‘Yes, I know. I can handle it.’

‘Alright.’ He shrugged and left it alone.

Once we got to the crime scene, I wasn’t so sure I could handle it anymore. Trisha was young; she was excited about her career. Instead of going forth to become a prominent mathematician, she had been killed. Because of a conversation we had had.

‘Reid, try to remember everyone that have disagreed with you. In person or on paper.’

‘I remember, but there are many that don’t see eye to eye with some of my writings. Without anything to narrow it down, we’re in the hundreds.’

‘There are that many not agreeing with you, genius?’ Morgan said, eyebrows raised in surprise. I gave off a short, amused laugh. It would be hard for him to believe that other people didn’t trust me as implicitly as my team did.

‘Yes, it is quite common in any area actually. Sometimes people have spent many years working on something that may be disproved in my paper. And sometimes it is simply something that they are working on that they wish to discuss. On occasion the discussions get heated.’

‘Heated discussions about mathematics,’ Morgan said in an amused tone. ‘Yeah, I can get why.’

‘Actually, all of these four are people that I have discussed our works with in person.’ I squinted my eyes slightly. ‘I have spoken to them all on seminars during the last half year.’

‘Good! I’ll call Garcia, maybe she will find something more if she knows which seminars to start looking into.’

I nodded absently and looked at the spot where Daniels’ body had been found. There was nothing sexual about these kills at all. Anger permeated the unsub’s actions. He was angry because they had opposed me. The unsub would have to be someone that idolizes me. It is more than likely he did these things to the torture victims to make me happy.

But why did he pick people to rape? Why would he risk scaring me off? He couldn’t control himself. He needed my approval, and he would try to get it from a substitute. If he didn’t get it, he would kill him. But why would he use a substitute rather than me?

‘Reid?’ JJ asked.

I looked up from the pavement and on JJ instead.

‘There is nothing here. The body has simply been dumped, I do not think we will get any more from it.’

‘Let’s go,’ Morgan said and we went to the local police station. We arrived before the rest and, after I had gotten some coffee, we went about setting up a crime board in a conference room the police had prepared for us.

We were putting up the pictures of the victims when Morgan’s phone called.

‘Hi sweet-cheeks, you’re on speaker,’ he said and placed the phone on the table.

‘Hey gorgeous, I’ll save the naughty for later.’

Morgan chuckled. ‘What do you have?’

‘So, all of the torture victims have been on the same seminars as our kid.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘I’m here, Garcia.’

‘As I said; our kid. They are all taken within a week of when the seminar was held.’

‘Are there any recordings of the seminars?’ I asked.

‘But of course, my sweet.’

‘Look through them,’ Morgan said. ‘Track Reid, and see if anyone is watching him,’ Morgan said.

‘Will do. I always love watching our sexy genius.’

‘You’re contradictory. You cannot both see me as a kid and a sexy genius. Unless you have some preferences you haven’t told us about.’ I frowned.

She laughed softly. ‘Only for you, baby.’ She hung up when the rest of the team walked inside.

‘Was that Garcia?’ Rossi asked. ‘Has she found someone else missing?’

‘Not yet.’ Morgan answered. I never quite understood his and Garcia’s communication, but in this case I could only assume that the absence of her telling us could only mean that she hadn’t found anything.

‘She could confirm that all torture victims have been at the seminars as I.’ Not that that had been entirely necessary since I had already told them this. But a paper trail is something of a requirement in our line of work. ‘She is looking through the recordings to see if she can find anyone suspicious. I believe that he tortures these men because he feels that they have wronged me. It is likely that he shows their bodies to his rape victims, to gauge their reaction. He is looking for approval.’

‘Can you remember anyone like this, Reid?’ Hotch asked, and I furrowed my brows. I had been asking myself the same question since we were sitting at the roundtable at the headquarters. ‘He would have stayed at a distance, but always watching you. He would seek your approval, through letters or through friends, but never directly. He is probably young, possibly a student. He idolizes you, so he’s probably close to you at any time he is able.’

I shook my head.

‘Nothing. I can’t remember anyone. I am typically observing people around these settings, and I haven’t seen anyone.’

‘It’s alright,’ Morgan said, but he sounded disappointed. It was nothing against my own disappointment.

‘It’s not! I need to remember whoever this is!’ I burst and they all looked at me in various degrees of surprise and compassion.

‘Reid, come with me,’ Hotch said and I closed my eyes, breathing slowly to calm myself. He couldn’t take me off the case!

We found an empty office and went inside. He closed the door and shut the blinds, making me slightly apprehensive.

‘Reid, you need to tell me if you can do this?’

‘I can!’

‘Are you sure? If this man is going for you, you are his ultimate prize. It might be better for you to leave the state until he is caught.’

‘And risk him following me? No, Hotch. I’m on this case. We’ll get him before he gets me.’

‘Are you sure?’ he asked again, looking at me with a steely gaze.

‘Yes!’

He sighed deeply. ‘Very well. Stay here.’ He left the room.

I suddenly felt very tired. I had made a mistake by not sleeping during the night, and now I was being stalked. I highly doubted I would get much sleep before we caught this unsub.

The door started opening again and I lifted my head, not even having realized that I had put it down on my arms on the desk.

Hotch held the door open for Prentiss, and closed it once she was in.

‘Reid, I do not want you to be alone until we catch this guy,’ Hotch said.

I raised an eyebrow, dreading how he would continue this conversation.

‘I want Prentiss to move in with you, or you to move in with her during the duration of this case. She will join you on any seminars, and all events you normally go to when you have free time off work.’

‘Free time?’ I asked with a small smirk before I went serious. ‘On what grounds?’

‘What?’

‘On what grounds do we move in together?’ Hotchner squinted his eyes, looking rather surprised at the question.

‘As a couple,’ he said. ‘That will be most natural.’

‘Hotch… I have friends at these seminars… People that know me.’

‘Which is why she will go as your girlfriend.’

‘Yes. Problem is, they wouldn’t believe it,’ I said, trying to make him understand, but he looked entirely confused.

I heard a small snort from Emily and looked up at her. She had a small, knowing smile on her face.

‘I guess Morgan would fit better, huh?’ she said in humor and I sighed. I couldn’t exactly oppose to that statement however, so I looked at my hands on the desk.

‘You’re…? Why didn’t you tell us?’ Hotch asked, almost sounding as though I had betrayed him. He managed to make me feel guilty.

‘It’s never been pertinent to the case.’ I said and Hotch took a deep breath.

‘Prentiss, get Morgan, please,’ he said and she was out of the door before I had time to stop her.

‘I can do well enough on my own, Hotch. I _am_ an FBI agent!’

‘I would not let _anyone_ on the team be alone with a serial killer that has them on their radar.’

‘It’s unfair!’

‘How is it unfair?’

‘I’ll disrupt Morgan’s life.’

‘You’ll never disrupt my life, kid,’ Morgan said as he entered. ‘What can I do?’

‘I don’t want to let Reid be alone while this is going on.’ Morgan nodded, apparently agreeing. ‘I need someone to be with him, whatever he does.’

‘I thought Emily…’ he started and then narrowed his eyes and looked a bit closer at me. I could feel myself blushing and his lips quirked into a smile. ‘I see.’ He nodded. ‘I should have seen it.’

‘You don’t have to…’

He smirked. ‘Shut up, kid. I’ll move in tonight.’

I shook my head in exasperation. I was too old for a baby-sitter.

‘Good, it’s settled. Let’s get back to the case.’ Hotch said and we walked out of the office.

‘Boyfriends don’t call each other kid, by the way.’ I said with a small smirk to Morgan and he chortled in surprise.

‘Honey, then?’ He grinned, making me shake my head.

‘This is going to be a very trying period. I need coffee… want some?’

‘Sure, thanks, pretty boy.’ I glared at him and he shrugged. ‘What? You’re my boyfriend, right?’ He grinned mischievously and I rolled my eyes.

Where was that coffee machine when I needed it?


	2. Chase

By 11 pm, we were still at the office, searching for clues and a missing person whose family didn’t know they were missing. I was starting to feel the effects of not having slept for almost two days. Actually, it was closer to being three days. I had had twenty cups of coffee, with an abundant amount of sugar. Despite this, my eyes were drooping.

‘Reid!’ Hotch said loudly and I twitched awake.

‘Go home, get some sleep, and come back tomorrow.’

‘No, I can do this,’ I said, shaking my head to try to clear it.

‘Go home.’

I sighed and got to my feet. I couldn’t really think straight while being this tired anyways. I held out my hand to Morgan and he raised an eyebrow in askance.

‘Car keys.’

‘I know you haven’t already forgotten our previous discussion,’ Hotch said. If I didn’t know any better I would have said he was amused.

‘You can’t take both of us off!’ I said. ‘I will be fine! Our unsub is probably still cooling off from his last victim.’

‘Or he is searching for the next already.’

‘According to the profile, it will not be me. He will not approach me,’ I said, exasperated with them.

‘Go. Both of you! Now.’ He practically growled, looking more at Morgan than at me.

‘Come on, kid,’ Morgan said and I followed him. ‘You probably shouldn’t drive anyway, you’d just fall asleep at the wheel.’

‘True,’ I said with a shrug of my shoulders before we got into the car.

…

‘Kid, wake up.’

Morgan shook my shoulder and I vaguely registered that we were outside of the apartment complex. ‘You’re usually able to stay awake longer than this.’

‘Yeah, usually I have slept more than an hour during the last 63 hours as well.’ I mumbled before I realized what a bad idea that was. Sleep deprivation is not conductive to keeping secrets.

‘What?’ he asked, but I was already moving out of the car, towards my apartment, when I saw a small movement to the right, by the corner of the building. Something about it felt wrong and I looked into the darkness, unable to see anything more.

‘Reid?’

‘Come on,’ I said and jogged towards the corner.

‘Reid!’ Morgan called out behind me, before I heard a muttered curse and then he was coming up behind me.

I pulled my gun as I grazed along the wall, stopping right before the corner. Morgan flattened himself against the wall next to me.

‘Reid, dammit.’ he whispered.

I looked around the corner, and immediately saw the prone form of a human lying on the pavement. No other movement could be seen, but it was dark, and I couldn’t trust my eyes.

‘Cover me,’ I said and ran forward, again hearing Morgan swear in exasperation. No one else was there so I waved Morgan forward.

I knelt by the person, feeling for a pulse. I had not expected to find one, and I didn’t. I pulled my flashlight out and turned it on.

‘I think we just found the fourth rape victim,’ I said. As I looked at the man I felt vomit try to rise in my throat, but I swallowed it down. The man was very similar to me. He had sharp facial features, hair only slightly shorter than mine, and the same general build.

‘Reid…’

‘I’ll call Hotch,’ I said, stepping up and away from the body, not wanting to talk about it. I reached for my phone, but it wasn’t where I usually had it, and I realized I had forgotten my bag at the station.

‘Morgan, I forgot my phone,’ I said, going back to him, and he pulled out his own phone and handed it to me. He didn’t comment on the fact that I’d forgotten something, which told me this whole thing disturbed him about as much as it disturbed me. Not wanting to dwell on it, I mumbled thanks and left.

I went a bit away to place the call, and afterward I took a few extra moments to collect myself before I went back to the body.

‘He left two roses,’ Morgan said when I came back and I frowned in confusion.

‘He’s switching his signature?’

‘He left a bright red rose along with the burgundy.’

I swallowed.

‘Is there a note?’ I asked.

‘Yeah. “This is for you.”’

‘This is for you? Had he meant the tortures, he would have put it on Daniels. He’s doing these for me as well? Why?’ I tightened my lips and frowned.

‘He’s getting bolder. He’s speaking directly to you.’

‘He knows we’re on the case.’

‘But how?’

‘He’s stalking me,’ I said and immediately called Garcia.

‘Hey, brown sugar.’

‘Garcia, it’s Reid, could you pull the tapes from the bureau from six am to 11 am. You’re looking for the unsub, he‘ll be hanging around the corners, walking to and fro. He will look indecisive. Maybe about to enter, but then he will change his mind. When we leave at ten forty-two, he will follow us.’

‘Got it junior G-man. Are you alright?’

‘I’m fine. Why does everybody keep asking me that? Nothing has happened to me.’

‘We just worry, honey,’ she said before we hung up.

‘I don’t understand. How is he doing the rapes for me? These men have done nothing against me. I have never met them,’ I said, putting my hands in my pockets and looked to the dead body in contemplation.

‘Reid… I think he… might be practicing.’

I turned to Morgan in horror only to find him look at me with sad eyes.

‘He’s… seeing what will give their approval, testing the limits… It fits.’ I rubbed my eyes, feeling a headache coming on.

‘Hey, Reid… come look at this.’

I swallowed tightly before I went to join Morgan by the body. He had lifted the hair of the victim and showed the hair extensions.

‘He’s making them look more like you,’ he said, staring straight at me. I felt the bile rising again and turned around only to see the rest of the team arriving.

I hung back a bit while they went over the body. I did not want to be this useless. I had to push it away. I had to stop making it too personal. But even after thinking this, I was happy when the cell started ringing and I had an excuse to remove myself for a while.

‘Garcia.’

‘Hey sweetness. No luck on the video, but they told me you found the next body at your apartment.’ She said this with a slightly annoyed voice, telling me she would give me a piece of her mind about me neglecting to tell her that piece of information. ‘I just found who it is. It took so long because no one actually reported him missing, they were sure he just ran away. His name is Thomas Mayers. He was a heroin addict. No one really thought to look for him, they figured he’d left to get high again.’ The thought that no one would miss a person for more than a month is always disturbing, but unfortunately, it’s not the first time we’ve seen it.

‘Garcia, he’s going to be searching for his next victim. Search for any male in a hundred mile radius that has brown hair, brown eyes, between five nine and six one in height.’ I heard her typing in the criteria I was giving her.

‘That’s still too wide a search.’

‘Only include anyone that has been struggling with any kind of addiction. They would have been checked in with a clinic, self-help groups or a hospital.’

‘There are only three on record,’ she said and hesitated a moment. ‘Plus you,’ she added.

‘I know Garcia. Names and addresses?’

She gave them to me and we hung up.

‘Guys! We need to go, we have three potential next victims,’ I said and rattled off the addresses.

‘Morgan, Reid, go to Bryans. Rossi and JJ, you go to Maser, Prentiss and I will go to Tykes. Go,’ he said and we were off in the separate cars.

‘Bryans is the most likely to be taken, you realize that, right?’ I said and Morgan looked at me oddly.

‘Why?’

‘You saw the images. He looks the most like me, and his place is the closest to my apartment.

‘Except for yours of course.’

‘That is true. But he could not risk going for me. He dared to go close enough to dump the body, but he lost confidence. He ran, and knows he needs to get to the next one quickly. He’s got a head start on us, by thirty-five minutes.’

Morgan stopped the car outside of the apartment and we drew our guns and ran out. I covered Morgan as he went inside, and just then I heard the screeching of tires. It was a bit too convenient for it to be anyone but our unsub.

‘Morgan!’ I called and we ran back out.

‘FBI! Stop!’ Morgan shouted and aimed his gun before he lowered it with a curse. ‘Get in the car!’ He called to me but I had already started running towards it. As soon as we both were in, he put it in drive and revved off.

‘We’ll get him!’ he said as I buckled up.

‘Remember your seatbelt. Statistically…’

‘Got it,’ he said and quickly buckled up. Once he had, I called Hotch.

‘Hey, Hotch. We’re following who we believe is the unsub. He’s driving north from Bryans apartment. License plate is F-R-Y-3-2-4-2.’

‘Alright. Stay on him. We’re coming.’

We hung up and I was putting the phone back in my pocket when suddenly Morgan swerved sharply while braking. The windshield broke, and I felt a stinging pain in my right shoulder just before the seatbelt snapped in two. The force threw me forward and sideways, into the side beam. I only barely managed to get my arms in front of me to try and stop myself from sliding forwards through the glass, when I felt a pressure on my back that made me stop sliding and I was pulled back again.

‘Reid!’ Morgan called loudly, and the next I knew he was outside of the car, making me feel disoriented.

‘I’m fine,’ I said, before I had really evaluated my injuries. I looked at my arms that were scattered with cuts. My head was hurting, as was my right shoulder, making me look at it. Blood was flowing from what looked to be a gunshot wound so I slowly lifted my left hand and pushed my thumb hard against the wound, wincing at the pain.

The door was ripped open and I could see Morgan looking me over, trying to decide which injury took priority. His gaze landed on my head and he pulled out his FBI windbreaker from the back and pressed it hard against the side of my head. I narrowed my eyes, understanding why I was feeling so dizzy, and why my head felt as though it was going to break open. Apparently, it already had.

‘Reid, I need to get my phone, okay?’ he said and I nodded slowly.

‘Front left pocket,’ I mumbled and he reached over and pulled out his cell from my pocket. He flipped it open to call an ambulance when it started ringing.

‘Garcia, baby. I need you to get us an ambulance here,’ He said, putting her on speaker.

‘What?’ she asked, shock clear in her voice.

‘Just do it!’ He sounded rushed. Actually, he sounded terrified, I don’t think I’ve heard him sound quite like that before. ‘Reid got shot in the shoulder and has a nasty head injury.’

‘Okay. They’re on their way. Hotch is coming as well.’

‘Thanks, Garcia.’

‘Hey. Are you ok?’

‘Yeah, baby-girl,’ he said in a softer voice. ‘I’m fine.’ He hung up, putting the phone into his pocket.

‘You should’a told her I’m good,’ I muttered, feeling my speech pattern deteriorate. I was feeling drowsy.

‘You’re not, though. Would you have me lie?’

‘Will be,’ I said, feeling my eyes start to droop, and I leaned my head to the side, trying to avoid holding it up on my own.

‘Hey. Stay awake for me,’ Morgan said and put his other hand against the other side of my head, helping me keep it up. I leaned into his hand; it felt safe. But it hurt.

‘Ouch.’ I smiled to make sure he didn’t take me too seriously. I wanted his hands there.

‘Sorry, kid.’

‘Yeah…’ I said when I heard tires screeching again, and I almost panicked. Had he returned to kill us? No, it wouldn’t fit him. He had been trying to get away; he needed time with his new victim.

‘How is he?’ It was Hotch.

‘’m ‘wake,’ I slurred. I had already been tired. The blood loss wasn’t exactly helping.

I hissed in pain when a pressure was put against my shoulder, and I narrowed my eyes, looking at my left hand that was lying in my lap. I didn’t know when I had stopped pressing against the wound.

‘Ambulance is coming, kid.’

‘I’ll be fine,’ I forced out as clear as possible. ‘Just shoulder. Small concussion. ‘m fine.’

‘Sure you are…’ Morgan shook his head with a tight expression, and I felt it was getting really hard to keep my eyes open.

‘Just gonna sleep for a bit,’ I muttered and closed my eyes. ‘No drugs,’ I remembered to add before I let go.

‘Stay with me!’ Was the last thing I heard, but I just couldn’t force it any longer.

Hey, at least I’d finally get some sleep.


	3. Bugged

I woke up slowly and it took me a moment to orient myself. A hand was lying on my upper left arm, its thumb slowly stroking me. I started to open my eyes but as soon as light filled my vision a shooting pain in my head made me close them tightly with a small groan. The hand stopped stroking me. The disappointment I felt at the loss surprised me.

‘Reid? Are you awake?’ I winced at the sound. It was Morgan, but every word shot a wave of pain through me.

‘Shush. Hurts,’ I mumbled, trying not to move in fear of aggravating the pain. I felt Morgan leave my side and was unsure how I felt about that. It was worse than the loss of the hand but I fell back to sleep before I could contemplate what that meant.

…

When I woke the second time, the pain had dulled to a distant throb. The hand was back on my arm, and I opened my eyes carefully. The pain I’d felt before didn’t reappear, and my eyes only stung slightly at the bright light. I opened them completely.

‘Hey, kid,’ Morgan said with a small smile.

‘Hey,’ I rasped out. ‘What’s going on?’ I asked and he looked confused. He shot a glance towards the door before looking back at me.

‘What do you remember?’

‘Not with me,’ I clarified. ‘With the case.’

He looked relieved as he visibly relaxed the set of his shoulders. From his reaction, I guessed the doctors might have hinted at possible brain damage due to my head injury. I really wanted to check out my chart to see what exactly they had done to me. And what they’d given me.

‘They found an abandoned car,’ he said. ‘Unfortunately he seems to have gone underground.’

‘Who owned the car?’

‘It was reported stolen two days ago. Rossi and JJ are interviewing the owner.’

I nodded, but frowned. Something was just off. He had been stalking us earlier, right? Then why had he shot at us?

‘It doesn’t fit,’ I said.

‘What doesn’t?’

‘He wouldn’t have shot me. He wouldn’t have risked shooting you with me in the car either,’ I said and lifted myself into a seated position on the bed, not enjoying being on my back while speaking to him. He got halfway up from his chair and reached to help me.

‘I’m fine!’ I shook him away and he sat back in the chair next to me again with a somewhat displeased expression.

‘He probably didn’t know you were in the car.’

‘He keeps tabs on me. He should have…’ I paused, thinking, and realized why Garcia hadn’t been able to find anything on the surveillance tapes. ‘He’s not following me personally; he’s tracking my phone. I forgot it at the station. He didn’t know we were going to the apartment. He didn’t know we were the ones following him.’

‘I’ll call Garcia and have her look over your phone,’ Morgan said, leaving me alone in the hospital room.

I got to my knees and leaned forwards to grab the chart at the end of the bed and looked at it. They’d had to do a smaller surgery to remove the bullet, but there had been no complications. I’d been checked in six hours previously and according to the chart I didn’t even have a concussion. My previous reading of Morgan’s relief had obviously been wrong. Why then, if not because he was happy I could still use my brain properly? Right then, it didn’t feel like I could. Apparently, I had a mystery to solve.

I returned the chart and leaned back against the headboard of the bed, rotating my right shoulder slightly to see how much movement I had in it. It ached, but it would be okay. My head was throbbing, but I would live. I wanted to go back to creating a profile for this unsub. I wanted to go to the newest victims house. I wanted to help Garcia look through the seminars, to see if I could see something.

The door was opened and I looked up to see Morgan step back inside.

‘She’ll look at the phone, and if we find a bug, we can hopefully trace it.’

‘Great. Could you get the doctor?’

He looked at me worriedly. ‘Is something wrong?’

‘I’m getting discharged.’

‘What? No!’

‘It doesn’t make sense to have two agents inactive while a killer who has killed eight people, and has another one captive, is on the loose. If I can’t get discharged, at least you should get going.’

‘Like we said previously, I’m not leaving you,’ he said in frustration, but I could see that he wanted to leave just as much as I.

‘Look, we get me discharged and we go to the headquarters. I will stay there with Garcia, and you can go out and keep tracking this guy. I will be fine at the office, you know that,’ I said, smiling at him. I could see him battling it out with himself for a moment.

‘Fine. But if the doctor recommends that you stay, we are not going anywhere,’ he said sternly and I nodded. Morgan had already turned around and gone out the door, not even seeing my agreement. It wasn’t as though I would be allowed to work the case if I left against medical advice anyways. He knew that as well as I did.

It was no more than five minutes before the doctor came in, Morgan hot on his heels.

The doctor quickly looked over my vitals and my shoulder wound. He shone a flashlight in my eyes before he straightened and sighed.

‘How are you, doctor Reid?’

‘I am fine. I have a small ache in my head, which is to be expected for a while yet. The shoulder is throbbing, but that will not change from being here.’

‘I will release you,’ he said, starting to write on the chart, ’but if your headache grows worse, I want you back. I will tell the nurse and she will come with your release papers and a sling for that arm.

‘Thank you,’ I said and he turned to look at me with an exasperated gaze.

‘I always have problems making police and agents stay around a bit longer. I would have expected a renown doctor such as yourself would be smarter, but I must have been wrong.’ He smiled slightly and I snorted in amusement. I’ve never been called stupid in such a roundabout way before. Actually, I’ve never been called stupid, period.

‘I will stay if that is what you advice, but I would rather get back out there,’ I said.

He smiled. ‘Just catch the guy that did this.’ Then he left.

Morgan pushed away from the wall that he had been leaning against and walked up to me.

‘We’re leaving,’ I told him, and I saw the smile trying to creep onto his lips. ‘Could you get me my clothes?’ I couldn’t leave in the hospital gown.

He handed me my pants and I slowly shimmied into them. It was more difficult than you’d think with only one properly working arm.

‘My shirt?’

‘It was a lost cause, kid.’ He chuckled and took off his own sweater and handed it to me. I put it down on the bed, untied the hospital gown and shrugged out of it when there was a knock on the door and a nurse stepped in.

‘Dr. Reid, I have your release papers,’ she said and handed me some papers before she put a sling over my shoulder.

‘I’ll just sign these first,’ I said, stepping away as she moved to help me get the arm into the sling. ‘Do you have a pen?’

‘Of course!’ she said and fished out a pen from her pocket. I grabbed it, trying to keep from wincing when I lifted it. I quickly signed the paper and then managed to get my arm into the sling on my own. The nurse thanked us and left.

I turned towards the bed where the sweater was and sighed before turning back to Morgan.

‘Need some help getting dressed, kid?’ he asked with a much too amused tone of voice.

‘As a matter of fact, I do. The bullet lodged in the clavicle, which resulted in a small fracture, and I probably won’t be able to lift the arm for a while.’

‘Hey, are you sure you’re okay...?’ he started as I picked up the sweater and held it out for him.

‘I don’t need to be able to lift my arm to use my head,’ I said and he took the sweater and tentatively held the opening up.

‘Morgan,’ I said, amused.

‘What?’

‘Roll it up, it will make it easier to get in.’

‘Oh,’ he said and began rolling it up when someone slammed the door to the room open. We both flinched and turned to the entrance.

‘Garcia!’ Morgan growled.

‘Lover-boys! I thought I was going to step into something much naughtier than this when I heard you outside.’

‘That’s why you slammed the door open?’

‘Of course! I couldn’t miss it.’

I smiled. ‘He’s just attempting to help me get the sweater on.’

She grinned. ‘Kill-joy.’

She looked at me, and her smile slipped as her gaze went over the bandages on my arm, the bandage around my chest and arm to keep the gauze on my shoulder in place, and the butterfly strips on my forehead.

‘Garcia…’

‘Let me help you get that shirt on, honey. How are you?’

‘I’m fine,’ I said and sat down on the bed to make it easier for her to reach, and we managed to get the sweater on. She tied up the right arm, since we wouldn’t be able to get my arm through it anyways.

‘Garcia, how’s it gone, looking over the videos from the seminars.’

‘I barely have time to look through them, I need to focus on everything else you guys keep telling me to do. Like calling an ambulance,’ she said, sounding slightly bitter.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said contritely and she gave me a careful hug.

‘Don’t worry. I’m here to help you.’

‘I’ll help you for a while now, I doubt Hotch will want me on the field like this. Should we get going?’

‘Yes, let’s go,’ Morgan said and we left.

…

When back at the office, I bunked down next to Garcia with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. She had pulled up the seminars on the screen closest to me and I was going through them, frame by frame.

Two hours after I had settled down, I still hadn’t noticed anyone with a matching behavior to the unsub, and Garcia had met a dead end on the tracking device in my cell phone.

‘We’ll need to put it back you know.’ I told Penelope and she looked at me oddly.

‘My darling, stupid genius, I am not putting that treacherous device back in there.’ How about that, I went from never having been called stupid, to being called stupid twice in one day. Maybe they had put something in the coffee? I shook my head slightly to clear it.

‘Right now, I’m the best chance we have of catching this guy.’

‘We’re not using you.’ Hotch said, walking through the open door. ‘Why are you out of the hospital?’

‘I was released.’

‘Why are you here, then?’

‘I am of much better use here than I would be if I took Morgan with me and we were to sit it out at home,’ I said to him, leveling our gazes. ‘And I maintain that we need to put it back in the phone. If something deviates from his plan, it might become a second stressor, making him devolve. If he can’t keep track of me, he will find other ways.’

‘You’re pushing it, Reid,’ Hotch said, eyes narrowed, and I just pursed my lips. ‘But you are right. Garcia, put it back.’

‘But, sir!’

‘Garcia,’ he said forcefully. They had a bit of a staring war going on for a few seconds before she nodded with a pout on her lips.

‘Fine. But I won’t like it.’

‘You don’t have to,’ Hotch said. ‘Reid, no one will blame you if you take a day or two.’

‘I will blame myself,’ I answered, still glaring at the screen showing the images from the seminar.

‘Reid. If this is getting too personal…’

‘Of course it’s personal, Hotch,’ I said, turning around to look at him again. I was getting tired of everyone thinking I wasn’t able to do my job. ‘But I would rather know, and help catch him, than do nothing.’

He nodded after a moment of contemplation. ‘All right! Tell me if it becomes too much.’

‘Sure,’ I answered non-committedly and turned back to the screen, listening to Hotch’s footsteps as he walked away.

Ten more hours and ten cups of coffee later, there was still nothing. There was nothing, my head was throbbing and my shoulder was aching. As though that wasn’t enough, my arms were itching under the bandages. And I was tired. I had been out for five hours at the hospital, but apparently five hours didn’t cut it.

I had curled up in the office chair, trying to relieve the pain in my right arm and was resting my head on my other arm that I had wrapped around my legs.

The door to the office opened, and someone walked inside. I couldn’t be bothered uncurling enough to be able to check who it was.

‘Plum,’ Garcia said silently, surprising me. She was never silent. At least the nickname told me it was Morgan.

‘How is he?’ he said, about as silently as her and I huffed at them talking over my head.

‘I am good enough.’

‘Good enough?’

I sighed. ‘I might need to get home and get some sleep.’

It was annoying, that I needed to admit to it. But I was longing for the comfort of a soft bed. I wanted to pull a blanket over my head and hide for a while, forget about this person that was stalking me. I wouldn’t. I had a job I needed to do, and I wanted to find the man. No one else could be hurt because of me.

I uncurled from the chair, wincing as blood rushed back to my feet.

‘Good. Because I need some sleep as well.’ Morgan said and stood up to walk out with him.

‘Bye lover-boys,’ Garcia said and gave a small wave.

We were silent on the drive, and when Morgan stopped the car outside of my apartment, I couldn’t step out. All I could think of was the guy we had found at the corner. Morgan didn’t move either. He kept his hand on the ignition, even after he’d turned the car off.

‘Let’s just go to my place,’ Morgan said and started the car without waiting for a reply. I nodded gratefully and leaned my head back against the headrest. I closed my eyes, clenching my teeth. The headache was getting worse again.

‘Kid, you look tense.’

‘I have a stalker, I have been shot and I have been in a semi-car-crash. I think I should be allowed to be a little tense.’

He looked at me with a somewhat quirked smile. He looked a bit guilty. ‘Sure, kid.’

We fell into a comfortable silence as we drove to Morgan’s place. I closed my eyes again.

‘Kid, wake up.’ I jerked and moaned at the added pain.

‘Yeah, I’m awake,’ I muttered, opening my eyes. We were already by his place so I opened the door and stepped out of the car. I closed the door and stumbled as my field of vision went black. Thankfully, I was still holding on to the car door, and managed to ride out the fainting spell.

‘Reid!’ Morgan said. It sounded distant, but he couldn’t have been that far away since he put his hand under my arm to support me barely a second later.

‘Sorry. I’m fine now,’ I said, but he kept his hand there as we went into the building.

‘I’ll take the couch,’ he said as soon as we went inside and I groaned. I had forgotten he didn’t have a guestroom.

‘Your couch is barely five feet. Your bed is big enough for two,’ I said, rubbing my head with my fingers, but even through my pain I felt Morgan tense beside me, and I sighed. This whole thing couldn’t be easy on him. I kept forgetting he had the best reason I knew of to be cautious around homosexuals. Despite that, he’d accepted my orientation without as much as a raised eyebrow.

‘I’m sorry. I understand you’re not comfortable sharing a bed with me.’

‘No, that’s not…’

‘Given your history it is perfectly normal to be apprehensive towards homosexuals.’

‘Damn it, Reid! I’m trying to tell you, that’s not it.’

I frowned, a bit perturbed at having misread him. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

‘Then what?’

He sighed and shook his head.

‘Let’s just go to bed,’ he said and moved to the bathroom, leaving me to wonder what was going on inside of his head.

I sighed and went to the bedroom and sat down on the bed. I didn’t have a toothbrush, or even a change of clothes, so I didn’t really have much to do in the area of preparing for bed.

I settled for struggling out of the sweater I had borrowed from Morgan. The limited use of one arm ensured that the neat folding I tried to do ended up with the sweater becoming a wrinkled heap on the bedside-table. I put the sling on top of the heap and cradled my right arm with my left so the shoulder wouldn’t have to take the weight. I contemplated whether or not to get out of my jeans, but decided not to bother. No matter what Morgan said, he was obviously uncomfortable. So I lay down on top of the covers on the far side of the bed. I breathed slowly, trying to fight through the pain of the headache and the queasiness.

‘Reid?’ I head Morgan’s amused voice after a few minutes, and I opened my eyes. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Trying to sleep.’

He smirked. ‘In your jeans? I told you, I’ll be fine. Just get those pants off and get under the covers. I imagine you will be uncomfortable enough with your shoulder and headache.’

I sighed and figured that he was correct. I did trust him not to lie so I stood up and tried to hide the wince of discomfort I gave when gravity pulled my right shoulder downwards. I unbuttoned the jeans with my left hand and pushed them down, taking my socks along with them, leaving me in only my boxers.

I looked over to Morgan and noticed he had turned the covers back for me already and I got into the bed. He was wearing a t-shirt and training shorts, and I felt horribly exposed, so I pulled the covers over me.

‘I can lend you a t-shirt if you want,’ Morgan said, picking up on my state of mind but I shook my head.

‘I probably couldn’t get it on even if I tried. Sorry.’

‘I told you, kid, it’s fine!’

‘Yeah.’

I kept myself as close to the edge of the bed as possible and tried to go to sleep. It was ages since I’d last shared a bed with anyone. Much less anyone that I was attracted to quite in the way I was with Morgan. That wasn’t the reason I couldn’t fall asleep, or at least it wasn’t the only reason. I tried every relaxation technique I knew, but the headache was just getting worse, and I was starting to feel nauseous.

After forty-two minutes, I couldn’t keep it down anymore. I cradled my right arm with my left and rushed to the toilet.

I tried to be silent, I really did. But it’s hard to be silent while trying to puke your guts out. Especially when every gag made my shoulder feel as though it was on fire.

‘Reid?’ A tired voice came from the door and I was about to answer him when I threw up again. I groaned in pain.

‘Sorry.’ I muttered regretfully, and felt him pull my hair back out of my eyes.

‘Don’t worry about it, kid.’

‘No, I…’ I began explaining when my guts decided to crawl up my throat again. When nothing more could come out I leaned back on the balls of my feet and Morgan immediately handed me some paper.

‘I’ll get you some water,’ he said.

I wiped my mouth and threw the paper in the toilet before leaning back against the wall. The shoulder was aching so badly, but at least the pressure of the headache had ceased.

‘Here you go,’ Morgan said and held out a bottle of water to me.

‘Thanks,’ I said and accepted it with my left hand. I put it between my knees and tried to open the cap, but it refused to open.

‘I’ll do it,’ he said, grabbed the bottle and twisted off the cap before he gave it back to me.

I took a big gulp, swirled it around and spat it out before I took another mouthful, which I swallowed.

‘Do you happen to have an extra toothbrush?’ I asked Morgan and he nodded.

‘Sure,’ he said and rummaged around in one of his cabinets. Once he came out he was holding a toothbrush, and he put some toothpaste on it. It’s not easy brushing your teeth with the left hand. It all goes so much slower, but at least it didn’t taste quite so much of vomit anymore.

‘Reid, let’s go back to the hospital?’ Morgan asked from where he was leaning against the door to the bathroom.

I shook my head.

‘I go, then Hotch will never let me come back on this case.’

‘Maybe that’s not so bad?’

‘It was just a migraine. I’m good now.’

‘Yeah, but your shoulder is killing you.’

‘That’s quite an erroneous statement,’ I said and smirked as I looked up at him. He chuckled in response.

‘Would you like a painkiller?’ he asked and I shook my head.

‘I’ll be fine.’ Even though over-the-counter painkillers are harmless, I had been staying away from them as much as possible anyways.

‘Reid. Tell me how to help?’ Morgan said. He looked incredibly lost where he was standing, trying to figure out what to do.

‘Just… I just need some sleep, I’ll be fine,’ I said, smiling, trying to make him believe in my words. I handed him the toothbrush and took another few mouthfuls of the water before I got back to my feet and made my way back to the bed.

I fell asleep as soon as I put my head on the pillow.

…

‘Reid! Reid! Wake up!’

I sat up with a start and felt that familiar pain from torture.

‘Tobias, please, let me go!’ I cried out and threw a punch at him. He put his hands on my arms and I intensified my struggle, despite a blinding pain flaring up.

‘Reid, stop! It’s me! It’s Morgan! Hankel is gone.’

‘Morgan?’ I opened my eyes and everything came back to me and I deflated. Morgan let go of my arms and I leaned back on the bed again.

‘Do you often… dream about that?’ Morgan said. He was still sitting up, one leg on the side of the bed, the other curled up under him. He was looking at me sideways, slightly uncomfortable to be talking about it, but still caring, still actually wanting a genuine answer.

‘No. It’s the first time in years. I think it’s just the current case.’

‘I won’t let him get you.’

‘I know, Morgan.’ I smiled, but I didn’t know if meant Hankel in my nightmares, or the current unsub. Maybe both? ‘What time is it?’

‘One a.m.’

‘I’ve woken you twice tonight, and it’s only one?’

‘Don’t think about it. I’m glad you’re not alone.’

‘Thank you, Derek,’ I said softly, blushing as I realized I’d called him by his first name. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow before he gave a small snort and quirked smile.

‘Anytime. Do you feel like sleeping again?’

‘I… Do you have a painkiller? Just over-the-counter?’ He looked at me sharply.

‘Yeah, I’ll get one. Sorry for hurting you, kid.’

‘I think I hurt myself this time.’ 


	4. Profiled

I saw the inside of Garcia’s office again at five the next morning. We had given up on getting any more sleep when I had woken Morgan with a second nightmare. I felt guilty about that. At least I had gotten some questionable sleep while I’d been at the hospital; Morgan was probably going to be running on empty in a few hours. What made me even guiltier was that I was going to be in the office, with an unlimited supply of coffee, while he was going to be out in the field. But currently, until the rest of the team joined up, he was sitting with me in Garcia’s office, looking at the seminars. Both of us had fresh cups of coffee in our hands.

‘Hey, Morgan…’ I said and paused the video, after I’d seen someone pass in the corner of the camera’s view. I reversed in frame by frame until I saw him again. ‘This guy…’ I pointed at the guy in the corner.

‘His eyes are fixated on something.’

‘Or someone. I’m standing about here,’ I said and pointed outside of the screen. ‘This guy has been staring at me, or where I’m supposed to be, for the last few minutes.’

‘Have you seen him on the other tapes?’

‘No, but this is the first I’m watching today. Yesterday I focused on the tapes where I could be seen, but it was too close. He wouldn’t have come that close to me.’

‘Do you know him?’

‘No, not by name. I have seen him around, but he’s not all that notable. I have never noticed him watching. He’s always hanging around. I’ve seen him looking at everyone I talk to.’ I sighed. ‘I should have seen the signs.’

‘Don’t blame yourself, Reid,’ Morgan said.

‘Yeah,’ I said. It was impossible for me to not feel guilty about it. People… friends had already died. I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere by disagreeing. Morgan looked at me for a few seconds before shaking his head and pulling out his cell to call in Garcia.

We kept watching the videos, marking every frame where we saw the guy. He was bulky with muscles, around five feet eight and had short, dark brown hair.

‘Look at that smirk,’ Morgan said when we passed one of the frames. The unsub had his focus on Dr. Donald Brown, his eyes were narrowed, and a smirk grew on his face.

‘He’s deciding who to kill. On this particular seminar, I discussed the intricacies of the ISS with Dr. Brown. You know, it’s actually quite interesting. The ISS was funded by five different space agencies –’

‘Reid.’ Morgan said and I shrugged. I had gotten better at not caring when they asked me to stop talking, although I still found it odd that they were not interested.

‘We ended up discussing whether or not the moon landing is a conspiracy theory. Did you know that about seven percent of all Americans believe it's fake?’ He raised his eyebrows, looking at me with a small, indulging smile.

‘Thing is,’ I continued, ‘there were a lot more people that I spoke to and disagreed with. What made him choose this particular one?’

‘What did you discuss with the other victims?’

‘Nothing similar. With Dales, it was the periodic table. With Wells, it was the usage of SI units. With Daniels, we were discussing whether or not computers would ever take over from humans.’ Morgan snorted in amusement as I finished the last sentence.

‘And how did that discussion end?’

‘It’s all speculation, there is no right or wrong.’

'So there are things even you don't know.'

I smirked. He’d never learn. He didn’t want to learn, he loved teasing me about it too much. 'Quite many, as I keep telling you.'

‘Good morning, boy-toys.’ A perky Garcia said as she joined us in her office. ‘I hope you have left my browsing history alone.’

‘What would we find?’ I asked, genuinely interested, and she just glanced at me with a small smile, trying very hard to not let it grow.

‘What?’ I asked and she skipped trying, and grinned widely.

‘Reid found the unsub.’ Morgan interrupted and I pursed my lips. No one ever told me what I said or did wrong. I showed Garcia the frames where we got the best look of the unsub’s face. She looked angry and I knew she’d do everything in her power to find the guy. She always did, but this was personal to her as well. This was against family.

‘He is quite young, so he is more than likely a student at a University,’ Morgan said.

‘He’s probably taking at least one of mathematics, physics, logic or statistics in order to be able to follow the discussions at the seminars.’

‘Good, I’ll cross-reference with the Universities' records.’ Garcia said and started typing on the computer.

‘I’ll go up to Hotch,’ Morgan said. ‘We’ll get the picture out, and go to the Universities to see if anyone there recognize him. Call us if you get an address.’

I got to my feet to accompany him out to the bullpen and the coffee machine.

‘I’ll come…’

‘No!’ Morgan said forcefully and I raised an eyebrow.

‘I need my coffee,’ I said with a smile. Morgan coughed, looking slightly embarrassed. I walked passed him.

‘Morgan,’ I started when he caught up, ‘I want to talk to this guy when you bring him in. He is probably quite intelligent. He is just looking for a place to belong. He was likely bullied when he was younger… oh…’

‘What?’

‘He wasn’t targeting them because they disagreed with me. He was targeting them because they bullied me.’

‘Bullied you?’ He raised his eyebrows.

‘Yes. He would have thought so, at least. They were teasing me, but if I am any judge, it was in good nature, I took no offense.’

‘But he did.’

‘Yes. He was probably bullied as a child, and started hitting the gym to protect himself.’

‘And now he wants to protect you. He wants to be your hero…’

'If his previous protégé died, it would make sense that he transfers those actions to another one.'

'You're saying he's done this before?'

'Probably. Maybe not to this extent, if he had control of his protégé all the time, but he's definitely been involved in altercations.'

'Go back to Garcia and cut down the scope,’ he said and I turned around to go back when he caught my arm and looked directly into my eyes. 'We'll catch him, Reid.'

‘I know.’ I nodded. We went our separate ways and I was back in Garcia's office before I realized I never did get that coffee. I'd just have to deal for a while.

‘Hey, my sweet genius. The search is still on, but it will take a while, it’s a huge database.’

‘Narrow it to people that would have switched schools a lot when younger, probably until he was about fifteen or sixteen. He will have records of being bullied in the early years. It is also likely he has some kind of a record, probably bar brawls and the kind.’ She was typing as I spoke.

She smiled widely. ‘Got it!’

I read quickly on the screen. Samuel Quint, age twenty-three, computer science major, he’s been moved in and out of school until he started high school. After that he'd been arrested on two occasions for fighting.

Garcia called Morgan and relayed the same information along with his address.

Normally, I don’t mind being stuck behind. If I’m working on the profile, or trying to figure out hints, I don’t mind not being a part of a bust. But I hate not knowing what’s going on. I hate not knowing what they’ll meet when they get there, even though I know they can handle it. This time I minded it very much. This was personal.

‘Sit down, one eighty-seven.’ Garcia chuckled. ‘You’re making me antsy.’

‘Sorry,’ I said and sat down. I looked around her office, searching for something to occupy myself with. She has no shortage of odd things, but I found myself longing for my chessboard.

She smiled. ‘It’s difficult to wait.’

She understood. She’s used to it since she’s always waiting in her office while we are out trying to catch the unsub. I gave a small nod in recognition of her words.

‘Hey, Garcia. Does he have a brother or similar that has died or been hurt recently?’ I asked to see how our protégé theory fit. She opened his extended file and I read it through quickly, but there was nothing. I frowned, I had been so sure. It could have been someone that he went to school with.

I got to my feet again and started to walk out of Garcia’s office.

‘Where you going, g-boy?’ she asked, spinning around to watch me.

‘I’ll go to his teacher from seventh grade, he lived close to here then; she might remember him.’

‘You’ll do no such thing!’ she said sternly. ‘What if that creep is out there, waiting for you?’

I pursed my lips. I wasn’t used to being stalked. Was this how it felt for everyone? This limitation of movement due to the pressing fear that they would be out there, waiting for you.

I sat down yet again.

‘Good boy,’ she said and span back around to her computer. ‘I’ll call her up for you, she still lives around here, maybe she can come in.’

‘Thanks.’

Just as she called up the teacher, my phone rang. It was Morgan and I pressed the reply button.

‘Reid, he’s not here,’ he said immediately and I started wondering where else he might be. He'd need to be somewhere secluded, but still close enough to get to and from the University on days when he had classes.

‘He’s looking for approval, we need to profile Bryans, see what Quint needs to do to gain his approval, so we can figure out where he'll be next.’

‘Reid, it’s not Bryans approval he’s looking for.’ Morgan corrected me and I swallowed.

‘He’ll come to the seminar.’

‘What?’

‘There’s a seminar tomorrow, at the University. I was planning on going until all of this happened, but it might be the best way to draw him out.’

‘Okay. We’re going to look around here a bit and set up a stakeout in case he comes back. We’ll be at the office soon.’

‘I could come and help go over the place.’

‘Just stay there, Reid,’ Morgan said in exasperation and we hung up.

‘G-man junior, she’s in Ohio for two more days. Want me to set up a meeting when she gets back?’

I nodded. ‘Yes.’ The teacher would surely be able to give us more insight into Quint’s younger self. I had a strong feeling everything had started when he was younger.

‘Hey, Garcia, can you see if Quint has any other properties registered to him?’

‘There’s nothing else,’ she said and shook her head and I sighed before I went back to reviewing the seminars at fast-forward.

...

‘Reid, are you ok?’ Garcia asked after having observed me for a while. I had felt her eyes on me for the last ten minutes.

‘Why does everyone still keep asking that? I’m fine,’ I said, still glaring at the screen.

‘You haven't been able to sit still for more than five minutes. We just worry.’

‘I’m not a baby.’

‘But you are family,’ she said, looking at me intently. ‘We won’t let the asshole hurt you.’

I gave her a smile. ‘You sound like Morgan. He told me that already.’

‘And he’s right! I’ll tell you again if I want to,’ she said, coming up behind me and wrapping her arms around my shoulders in a loose hug. I avoided flinching at the pain and just sat still. I wasn’t all that good at hugs, but I reached up with my left hand and patted her arm.

‘Don’t worry. We’ll get him,’ I said and she nodded against my head.

A chuckle came from the door and I turned my head to see Morgan standing in the doorway with a soft smile. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have left the two of you alone. My boyfriend and my baby girl.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t even know who to be mad at.’

I wasn’t sure what I felt about him calling me boyfriend, but if we were really going to go to the seminar, I might have to get used to it for the next couple of days.

‘Or,’ Garcia said, not letting go of me, ‘you can join us.’ I tensed a bit, and Garcia let me go with a laugh.

‘Garcia,’ Morgan said, amused. ‘You’re crazy, you know that right?’

‘Oh, I never knew you were so bad at sharing,’ she said and pouted demonstratively. Morgan gave a small smile before he went serious again and looked at me.

‘Reid, we found some journals at Quint’s place. Hotch wants us to take a look.’

‘Us, or me?’

He grinned. ‘I think his exact words were, “Bring these to Reid”.’

‘Give here,’ I said and started to hold out my right hand before I was painfully reminded about my injury and extended my left instead.

He bypassed my hand and put them directly on the desk in front of me.

‘Was there anything else in his house?’ I asked and he became visibly uncomfortable.

‘What was it?’

‘Kid…’ he said, trying to placate me. I raised my eyebrows at him in exasperation, tired of them trying to protect me. Despite Morgan calling me kid at every turn, I’m very much an adult. Have been ever since my father left.

Morgan sighed deeply. ‘He had a shrine.’

I nodded. ‘I expected as much.’

‘It was an entire room, filled with pictures, news clippings, disputations, everything you have ever published.’

‘We knew he would have that.’

‘It was… bad,’ he said sadly and looked at the floor.

‘You’ve seen it before.’

‘Never of one of our own!’ he said with force and I pursed my lips, thinking. He was right, of course, but I didn’t really think like that. If I tried to picture myself in his place, I imagined that I would have been rather upset as well. Somehow, it was better that this guy was after me and not anyone else in my team.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. I wanted to see the shrine, but I couldn’t ask him to go back there with me. They would probably send the pictures to Garcia, and I could look them through tomorrow, when they had calmed down a bit.

‘Let’s go, Hotch wants us to go through what we’ll do next.’

‘I was going to…’ I started, pointing at the journals that were sitting on the desk.

‘They can wait a while,’ he said and we followed him out, Garcia with a laptop under her arm.

When we walked into the conference room everyone turned their gaze to me. They looked sad, and worried, making me feel self-conscious, but mainly, it made me wonder at what they had seen in that shrine.

I pulled out a chair with my left hand and sat down.

‘As we have all noticed,’ Hotch started with a gaze in my direction, ‘Reid is the target. He seems to have been following him for years, but something changed half a year ago. Some stressor made him start searching out victims. Likely the death of someone close.’

‘We already looked to see if he had any siblings,’ Garcia said. ‘We have contacted one of his old teachers, she will come in on Thursday.’

‘Probably someone that was dependent on him disappeared or died,’ I added.

‘We know he’s going to the same seminars as Reid,’ Hotch said. ‘We need to bring him out.’ It almost sounded like he was trying to justify what we were about to do. He was trying to justify it to himself. He’d never liked sending me to the wolves.

‘There’s a seminar tomorrow morning, at nine, that I am enlisted on,’ I said. ‘He will more than likely be there. But he knows we’re after him, so we can’t be too obvious.’

‘Reid and Morgan will be at the seminar, the rest of us will be in various places outside of the University.’ Hotch said, showing off the locations on the map. They would cover all entrances and exits into the building where the seminar was being held.

‘We meet here at six tomorrow morning for a briefing. We’ll finish this then. Go home and get some rest, he won’t make a move before then.’

We all got to our feet and I went back into Garcia’s office to pick up the journals. When I came back out Morgan looked at me in amusement and let out a laugh.

‘Not planning on getting any sleep?’

I shrugged. ‘This won’t take too long to go through.’

He nodded. ‘Sure, genius. Your place or mine?’

‘Each to their own?’ I said. I had hoped he would have forgotten.

‘We’re still sleeping together, remember?’ he said with a smirk. I couldn’t stop my laugh and we walked out of the building.

‘He won’t do anything tonight,’ I said, mirroring Hotch's opinion.

‘As if I’m going to risk it after having seen that shrine.’ He muttered and opened the car door for me since I had no spare hand to open it with.

‘What was in there?’ I asked again, genuinely intrigued.

‘Drop it, Reid,’ Morgan said decisively and started the car.

‘I still don’t understand why you…’ I started before he slammed his hand against the wheel making me jump in surprise.

‘Damn, Reid! Let. It. Go!’ He said, punctuating each word. I looked down for a moment before looking up at him again.

He was scared. More than scared, he was terrified. It takes a lot for Morgan to lose control, and although it had merely been a small outburst, I had not done a lot to push him there. He’d already been close, hanging on to control by little more than a thread.

‘We’ll go to my place again. He may be hanging around yours.’

‘He won’t do that, not now,’ I said and saw the tightening of Morgan’s eyes and lips. ‘I need to pick up some things, and grab a shower.’

‘Fine,’ he answered curtly.

We got to my place and I unlocked the door. As soon as I stepped inside, it felt as though something was off. I wasn’t sure what, everything was in exactly the same place as I’d left it, so I didn't mention it to Morgan. I even gave the room a second look over, and still could not see anything. No one had been there, but I realized I was feeling unsafe in my own apartment. It’s a very harrowing feeling. Home should be sacred; it should be the one place where you can always feel safe.

‘Reid?’ Morgan asked from behind and I walked slowly through the apartment.

‘I’m fine,’ I said and put some clothes into my bag. ‘Is it okay if I shower at your place?’

‘Sure,’ Morgan said hesitantly. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes. I’m just a little uncomfortable here after everything.’

‘That’s understandable, kid,’ he said and put a hand on my uninjured shoulder, squeezing slightly before letting go.

I finished with grabbing my toothbrush and then we were out of my apartment. I checked twice to make sure that I locked it properly. I wondered how long it would be before I felt safe again.

Once at Morgan’s, I immediately went for a shower and changed clothes. When I got out, Morgan was sitting in the sofa with a cup of coffee and I opened my mouth to ask if he had some for me as well.

‘In the kitchen, I set out a cup for you already,’ he said before I’d made a sound, and turned on the TV.

‘Thanks.’ I asked and proceeded to the kitchen where I found my cup and poured the coffee. I hesitated a moment before Morgan spoke again.

‘Sugar’s in the top cabinet.’ I heard the amusement in his voice and it made me smile. I gratefully reached for the sugar and put some in my coffee. Morgan would have disagreed said I’d put a lot of it in my coffee. I went out to join Morgan in the living room where he was watching basketball.

I sat down in a chair and took a mouthful of coffee before I set the cup on the table and reached for the first journal.

Quint was…. exactly the type we had profiled. He was obsessed. He wrote a lot about protecting someone. He didn’t have a name for the person he was protecting; he merely called him ‘it’. Like a pet.

‘He’s objectifying, not idolizing.’ I muttered. We’d gotten that part wrong.

Morgan looked at me. ‘Hm?’

‘Look,’ I said and pointed to an entry in the journal. Morgan rose up from the sofa and came to stand behind the chair I was sitting in, leaning in close to see what I was pointing at. I felt his warm breath against my neck and fought back a shiver. With anyone else the closeness would have been uncomfortable. Morgan always had been able to step straight into my personal space.

‘It was being hurt by the other kids today. It belongs to me, no one else can hurt it,’ Morgan said loudly as he read the entry I pointed out.

‘He’s treating them as pets,’ I said. ‘He loves them, but feels justified in hurting them.’

‘I don’t see how anyone would feel justified in hurting their own pets either,’ Morgan said. He looked down at his own dog that was lying on the floor, sleeping contently.

‘He doesn’t see the boundary. He feels that it is his right as their owner.’

‘But he still wants their approval?’

‘That might be a bit like training your dog as well. Through using rewards and punishment.’

‘I stick to rewards.’

‘You would,’ I said with a small smile. No matter how big and burly Morgan was, he was gentle and wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it tried to hurt him or his family.

‘Let those journals go for a while now, kid. You can get back to them tomorrow. It would be nice to get some more sleep tonight than we managed yesterday,’ he said, squeezed my shoulder, and went to brush his teeth.

‘Sorry,’ I muttered contritely since I was the one who had woken him. I put the journals back in the box somewhat awkwardly due to my arm, and went to get changed before I also went to brush my teeth.

We slipped into the bed and I again kept close to my side. Morgan fell asleep almost immediately and I stayed for twenty minutes before I moved to get out of bed and to the couch. I couldn’t keep him awake another night.

‘Reid. Just go to sleep,’ Morgan said before I got anywhere, and I settled down again. I would just have to stay awake a bit longer.

…

I snapped awake with a gasp. It took me a moment to orient myself before I realized I was at Morgan’s, and that he had pulled me into a one-armed hug. I took a deep breath, breathing in his scent, trying to ground myself, before I pulled back.

‘I’m so sorry, Morgan,’ I said and turned my legs to the side to get off the bed.

He sighed softly. ‘Don’t be.’ His hand moved comfortingly against my back. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’

I kept silent, just looking down at my hands that I had put in my lap. I did want to talk about it, but I felt as though I was using Morgan a bit.

‘Was it Hankel again?’

‘I don’t know why I’m reacting like this. It’s not logical; Hankel has nothing to do with these things that are happening now. He never touched me, no one has, and yet…’ I tapered off, shrugging with my good shoulder.

‘You have… experience… with Henkel, and this whole case is just ripping it open.’

I shivered slightly, feeling the pain rush through my shoulder. I let it hurt. It would make it harder to sleep.

‘Reid… We’ll find him. Please, try to get some more sleep,’ Morgan said and I nodded and lay back down. He covered me with a blanket and I felt how cold I was as another shiver ran through me. I couldn’t get the images to leave.

I tensed as an arm wrapped around me.

‘Just calm down and breathe slowly,’ he said and I took a deep breath.

I was safe here.


	5. Bully

When I woke up the next time, it was in a slightly more… precarious position. Morgan still had his arm wrapped around me, but I had turned onto my side and practically had my face buried in his chest, with my right leg over his left. I tensed and started to move away. But the arm around me tightened slightly, and he started to move his hand in small circles on my back.

‘Shh, sleep, you’re okay.’ He mumbled and I felt myself choke up as I quickly deduced that he’d been guarding my dreams. I snorted slightly.

‘You weren’t kidding.’ I said and Morgan stilled for a moment before we extracted ourselves from each other.

‘What?’ He asked, looking at me intently, making me feel incredibly exposed.

‘You won’t let him get me.’ I smiled self-depreciatingly and practically ran out of the bed. ‘I’m sorry. You didn’t have to…’ He looked at me sadly before he also gave a small, not entirely genuine, smile.

‘I needed to sleep.’ He shrugged, but he was still looking at me oddly.

‘I see.’ I nodded; of course he had been bothered by my nightmares. ‘Thank you.’

‘Don’t mention it.’

‘I won’t.’ I answered simply and he looked at me in surprised amusement.

‘It’s a saying, Reid.’ He snorted. I didn’t answer, it didn’t matter if it was a saying or not, I wouldn’t mention it either way.

We left Morgan’s place one hour later, and were the last to arrive at the roundtable. I had to look at my watch to make sure we weren’t late; even though I knew we had left at five thirty and that it took eleven minutes to get from Morgan’s place to the office. It would have been five minutes from the parking lot to get to the meeting room. Which still left us with fourteen minutes until the decided meeting time.

‘Good morning! At least you two look like you’ve gotten some sleep.’ JJ greeted with a tired smile and I frowned.

‘You didn’t get any sleep?’

‘Don’t worry, Spence. We’ll get him today.’ She said, and yet again I wondered just what they had seen in that shrine.

Garcia clicked on her computer to bring up the map of the University on the screens and Hotch began the briefing.

‘Morgan and Reid will be at the University at 8.45, and will stay in the hall until the seminar begins. Reid, behave as you normally do, Morgan, get your eyes on Quint, but don’t be too obvious. Garcia will be tapping into the cameras, keeping an eye out for Quint. Prentiss and Dave will be at the south entrance,’ he pointed at the south entrance on the map, ‘in civilian clothing. Jareau and a uniform will take the west entrance. I will be taking point from the surveillance van, together with the SWAT team lead. We will be standing by for the bust. There is a break at ten thirty. We’re expecting Quint to be there, walking around, observing anyone that Reid speaks to. He is unlikely to choose a victim, but is still likely to be browsing.’

Morgan gave me a quick glance at this, before he looked to Hotch. ‘Reid realized yesterday, after reading the journals, that this guy probably isn’t idolizing anyone, but rather objectifying his main target.’

‘So he may actually choose a new victim today.’ Emily said.

‘If the reason it’s always been approximately a month in between is that usually Spence doesn’t have time to go to too many seminars.’ JJ pondered.

‘Okay, we need to be vigilant.’ Hotch said. ‘Reid, pay attention to what people say to you.’

‘Don’t I always?’ I mumbled silently, but he just stared at me.

‘Okay. Is everyone in the clear on what to do?’ Hotch asked and everyone answered with various affirmatives. ‘Let’s go. Morgan, Reid, we’ll contact you when we’re in position.’

We hung around the office for some more time, allowing me time to get through another journal, but it was filled with more of the same things as the previous ones.

‘Let’s go.’ Morgan said with a nod of his head towards the exit.

I took a deep breath and got to my feet to follow him, but decided to turn and grab a book. I was actually nervous; hopefully reading could calm me down.

…

‘Reid, we can stop this, right here, right now.’ Morgan said when we parked outside of the university.

‘The only way to stop it is to continue.’ I said, stepping out of the car. Morgan hesitated for a second before he joined me.

‘So, what do you normally do on these seminars?’

‘Listen, discuss.’ I shrugged. ‘They are open for anyone, which is how you’re able to get in…’

‘Hey.’ He chuckled, but I continued after giving him a small smile to show him that I was joking.

‘There are usually a lot of people coming; a mixture of professors, students and basically anyone that’s interested in the subject.’

‘And… _you_ talk to strangers?’

‘It’s been known to happen on occasion.’ I answered with a small snort and a quirked smile.

‘I guess this kind of people actually might like listening to you ramblings.’

‘What do you mean, ‘this kind of people’?’ I asked and stopped to look at him for a second, watching him flounder, before I smiled, and he let out a relieved snort.

‘Did you know this university had a serial killer forty years ago?’ I asked, trying to keep my mind from whom we were going to meet any minute now. ‘The killer was actually a professor, he picked out the brightest minds, and literally picked their brains.’

‘Literally?’ Morgan asked, with a sideways glance at me.

‘With a spoon.’ I smiled.

‘Oh, man.’ He groaned. ‘Lucky you weren’t living in Virginia back then.’ He grinned and I shook my head.

‘Luck actually had nothing to do with it, I couldn’t…’

‘Reid.’ He interrupted me with a chuckle. I raised an eyebrow as I looked at him; I had only been about to tell him that it was impossible since I hadn’t actually been born yet.

When I first met Morgan, I had had a difficult time with him stopping me from speaking all the time. I had thought that he hated me, especially when he had said it with force. For so long, I had had trouble deciding when to speak and when not to, but I was getting better, he didn’t stop me quite as often as he used to. Or, maybe it wasn’t I that was getting better, but he that was getting more patient. But I had always been slightly… oblivious to certain social cues. I know this, and I try to figure out which information that the people I talk to may be interested in. If I don’t know, I simply share, and trust that someone will tell me if they don’t want to listen.

‘There he is.’ Morgan said, looking towards his left. I swept the room with my gaze and saw Quint. He looked away as soon as I came close to looking at him.

‘Why did I never notice him before? His behavior is classic.’

‘You had no reason to believe anyone would be stalking you.’

‘Sure.’ I shrugged, still not entirely pleased. I’m an FBI agent; I shouldn’t let anyone get the drop on me.

‘Let’s just sit down.’ Morgan smiled, nodding towards a couple of seats.

For once, I had trouble focusing on the seminar. Don’t get me wrong, I was still speaking and discussing, but I’ll be the first to admit that I was slightly distracted.

When the break came about, nothing was out of the ordinary. Quint kept moving around, watching, waiting for something to happen.

‘Dr. Reid,’ was said behind me and I turned around and gave a small wave when I saw who it was.

‘Professor Kingston.’ I greeted with a tight smile.

‘Did something happen?’ He asked with a pointed look towards my arm and then up at the stitches on my head.

‘Occupational hazard.’ I answered and saw Morgan frown as he turned to look at me. I understood why, I usually had a lot more to say than this. He was probably expecting me to start sprouting the odds of actually being killed in our line of work, which actually aren’t that high at all.

I liked Kingston, I had met him several times, and I enjoyed his theories. The problem is just that he has a tendency to spout things out without thinking first. I did not want to let him become a victim. Actually, I _could_ not let him become a victim.

‘Well, you are rather clumsy.’ He chuckled. ‘Do you remember last year, when you had your lecture?’ He started with a big grin and I just nodded tightly.

‘I think now may not…’

‘No, please. This is your boyfriend, right? He needs to know what a clumsy catch he’s gotten a hold of.’ He said excitedly, making me sigh and Morgan looked at him in interest.

‘Please, do tell.’ Morgan said, raised eyebrows, and I glared at him.

‘Well, he had a very interesting lecture about how a persons mind will always strive to follow mathematical patterns.’

‘Yes, actually, I have gotten some more…’

‘Reid, I want to hear this.’ Morgan said, and I fixed him with a glare, but he did not care. But I saw that he was observing Quint about as much as he was looking at Kingston. Probably more, actually, and I thought he’d seen something.

‘Yes, yes. So, he was getting rather animated, walking around up on the stage, until he went over the edge. He just took a step right out, and fell.’ Kingston said and I nodded tersely.

‘Thank you, professor Kingston.’ I said pointedly.

‘Oh, don’t worry. I already know my pretty boy here’s got a penchant for trouble.’ Morgan said, grinning.

‘Penchant is putting it lightly. Another time, what was it… about ten years ago?’ He looked at me questioningly and I gave a reluctant nod, knowing exactly which event he was referring to. ‘He broke his arm when he was about to kick a football.’

‘Do you even know what a football is?’ Morgan chuckled at me.

‘Okay, enough! I’m going to the toilet before we need to get back.’ I said. ‘Later, professor.’

‘See you around, Dr. Reid.’

‘What was that?’ I asked Morgan in a hushed voice. ‘We are _not_ setting anyone up to be taken!’

‘Everyone is at the entrances; no one will get taken. We want to do the arrest quietly.’

‘Fine.’ I muttered and opened the door to the toilet and saw Morgan lean his back against the wall. ‘Are you seriously going to stand there?’

‘Just waiting for my pretty boy.’ He smiled. I sighed and went inside.

…

Two minutes and eight seconds is how long I was in there. When I got out, Morgan was gone, and I frowned as I scanned the crowd, but I couldn’t see him.

‘Morgan?’ I asked into the radio and got no reply. I bit my lip, worrying at where he had gone.

‘Reid, is something wrong?’ Hotch asked into the radio.

‘I lost sight of Morgan. Did Garcia see him?’ I answered and saw Kingston a bit away.

‘He was in a blind spot. We’re coming in.’ Hotch answered just as I reached the professor.

‘Professor, have you seen Morgan?’

‘Morgan?’

I sighed. ‘My boyfriend.’

‘Oh, yes, he left together with a black-haired guy towards the cellar.’ I frowned and immediately set off at a run.

‘He’s been taken.’ I said into the radio as I slammed open the door to the cellar with my gun in hand. ‘The cellar!’

‘Reid, stay put!’ Hotch said and I would later say I hadn’t heard him if he were to call me out on it. But I couldn’t leave Morgan alone with this guy.

The cellar seemed to be empty, but then I remembered there was an entrance to the culverts there, so I ran to that door, not even clearing the cellar before running straight through it.

I opened the heavy door to the culverts more carefully and stepped inside. Further down, I could see two figures. While it was dark, I could clearly see that Morgan had his back against me, but he was far too still for my liking. He wasn’t even putting up a fight.

‘FBI!’ I shouted and Quint covered behind Morgan. He lifted his knife; I was just barely able to see the glint of it. He was completely covered by Morgan’s body, making it impossible for me to shoot. Then he pushed the knife down, dropped Morgan, and ran. I didn’t even bother shooting; I had to get to Morgan. I have long legs, and it wasn’t too far, but it felt like it took ages. I slid to my knees next to him and hesitated for half a moment before I put one hand on his wound in his neck and pushed. I could feel his pulse, but it only made me slightly more relieved. He wouldn’t wake up.

‘We need a medic. In the culverts.’ I said into the radio before I put my other hand on the wound as well.

‘Morgan, stay with me.’ I muttered and heard the others come in the door and ran up to us. Dave and Emily kept running, going after Quint, JJ and Hotch stopped with Morgan and I.

‘We’ve got Bryans.’ Emily said into the radio. ‘He’s alive, we’ll need medics.’

‘I’ll go up and show them down.’ JJ said and jogged back to the door.

‘It was my fault.’ I muttered as I felt the blood flowing between my fingers.

‘Later, Reid.’ Hotch just said, and he was right, we needed to focus on Morgan.

‘Why isn’t he waking up?’ I said angrily instead, feeling completely helpless. Intellectually, I knew that he’d been sedated and wouldn’t wake for a while yet, but a larger part of me just wanted to see him open his eyes, no matter how unlikely it was.

‘It’s okay, Reid. Get back now.’ Hotch said as suddenly fingers were moving my hands away. He put his hand on my good shoulder and pulled me back a bit further.

‘We’ve got him.’ One of the medics said before they lifted him up and quickly went out of the culverts.

‘I’m going in the ambulance.’ I said, but Hotch didn’t let my shoulder go, so I turned back to look at him.

‘We’ll go after them.’

‘I’ll go with him.’ JJ said and ran off.

‘Come on, then.’ I said and quickly marched out behind her, Hotch following closely behind.

‘We’ll meet up at the hospital.’ Hotch said into the radio as we met another team of paramedics that were going down into the culverts.

‘What happened with Quint?’ I asked, getting into the car and Hotch sighed.

‘SWAT are sweeping the culverts, there is no sign of him yet.’ I could only hope that they would find him. I very much wanted this to be over now.

Eleven minutes later we were at the hospital, in the waiting room. The others joined after another seven minutes. Garcia came after another two. Hotch and Rossi stood off by the side, both looking serious. JJ and Emily sat next to Garcia, gently comforting her. I sat opposite to them, staring at the door to the surgery, waiting for someone to come out.

Everyone was silent.

Forty-two minutes after we had come into the hospital, the doctor came to us and everyone stood up.

‘Family of Derek Morgan?’ He asked and I took a deep breath.

‘I’m his boyfriend.’ I said. If the situation hadn’t been so somber I would have laughed at the look on everyone’s faces.


	6. Revelations

Usually, I am not a big fan of body contact. I tend to avoid it as much as possible. With Derek, I’ve never had that problem. Generally I do not initiate it, but he’s one of the few that I am at least somewhat comfortable with touching. Now, I was holding onto his hand, not about to let go. I sighed deeply and forced myself to release a bit of the pressure that I was applying.

‘Hey, pretty boy.’ Morgan said hoarsely and I whipped my head to the side to look at him. He looked tired, but still had a small smile on his lips.

‘Hey.’ I smiled back at him.

‘Where…?’

‘In the ICU.’ I smiled and he frowned in confusion.

‘How…?’

‘I’m your pretty boy, aren’t I?’ I said, as innocently as I possibly could and Morgan guffawed before he winced, making me apologize demurely.

‘Don’t make me laugh, kid. You actually did that?’ He said in amazement and I nodded. ‘You never cease to impress me.’

‘Thank you, I try.’ I smiled. ‘I’ll tell the doctor you’re awake.’ I said and got up from the chair to get the doctor.

‘Thank you, Reid.’

He fell asleep before the doctor came by to check on him, but they still moved him into a room of his own. I had immediately sat down next to him again, but made a conscious effort not to grab onto his hand again, since the rest of the team would be walking through the door at any second.

Unsurprisingly, the first to come in was Garcia. She placed herself on the other side of the bed from me, after giving me a look that I had some trouble interpreting. She was obviously distressed and worried, but there was a hint of anger there as well. I couldn’t blame her for that.

‘How is he?’ she asked in a subdued tone.

‘He was stabbed only once, in his neck, it hit two millimeters from his carotid artery.’

‘ _Only_ once?’ She said, slightly hysterical, but still in a hushed voice to avoid waking Morgan up.

‘Considering the other victims were stabbed between thirty and fifty times, he got away quite mildly.’ I said calmly, looking up at her.

‘He shouldn’t have been stabbed at _all_! There’s nothing mild about it!’

‘Baby girl…’ Morgan croaked and we looked down at him.

‘My Adonis!’ she said happily and shifted from foot to foot until he lifted his right arm slightly in an invitation and she carefully hugged him. ‘I’m so happy you’re alive.’

‘I wouldn’t leave you so easily, sweetness.’ He said, gently doing small circles with his hand on her back.

The door opened again, and the rest of the team walked inside as Garcia lifted herself away from Morgan and sat down in the chair. JJ came up behind me and placed a hand on my good shoulder, in silent support.

‘Morgan, how are you.’ Emily asked and I frowned.

‘I’m fine.’ He answered and I rolled my eyes. This is why small talk is so overrated. No one actually says the truth anyways.

‘Sure you are.’ She nodded in amusement, knowing just as well as I that he was lying, but went forward to give him a gentle hug as well.

‘Really.’ He chuckled, but then sobered. ‘I’m sorry, guys.’

‘Would you mind sharing what happened?’ Hotch asked in a demanding tone, making it more of an order than a question.

‘I hung around waiting for Reid when a guy walked passed me.’ Morgan began. ‘I had missed that Quint was walking right behind him; I only noticed when I felt a sharp pinch on my arm. Everything went hazy pretty much immediately, so I couldn’t shoot and risk hitting anyone else. I tried to call out a warning.’ He said, looking at me with an overwhelming pain in his eyes. ‘I was sure he was going for you.’

I shook my head. ‘No, you were his intended target.’

‘But I didn’t…’

‘Do you even know what a football is?’ I copied his line, and the rest of the team looked vaguely confused, but it saw when it dawned on Morgan.

‘Right, bullies.’ He said and gave a self-depreciating smile. ‘Sorry, kid.’

‘I know you’re just teasing.’ I said, not entirely comfortable to be having this conversation with everyone hanging around.

‘Either way, he put his knife in the small of my back and made me move. We went down into the culverts, but after that, I think I blacked out. I don’t remember anything else.’

‘You got stabbed.’ Garcia said accusingly and Morgan smiled. He put his hand on top of hers and squeezed it, silently telling her that he was still alive and, all things considered, well.

‘I gathered as much, baby girl.’

‘I came down into the culvert,’ I continued the story from where I figured Morgan had blacked out. ‘Quint took cover behind you, so I couldn’t risk shooting since there was too big a possibility that I would hit you. He really didn’t do much, he stabbed you in the neck and then he ran.’ I shrugged.

‘Not much.’ I heard Garcia mutter silently from the side but I decided not to pay it any mind. It was obvious that it was me that she was upset with, though I was sure she didn’t even know it herself. She would come around.

‘We found Bryans down there,’ Emily said, ‘about a mile farther in the culvert.’

‘How was he?’ Morgan asked curiously.

‘About as well as you’d expect, although he is at least alive. There were several broken bones, and he’d been raped multiple times.’ She answered and I felt JJ’s hand on my shoulder tighten slightly as Emily spoke, making me look up at her in concern.

‘He was gone three days.’ JJ said, eyes wide. ‘How could he do so much damage…?’

‘It is likely that he is trying to keep his victims awake during the rape.’ I explained. ‘He wouldn’t like it if they were out while he’s trying to tame them. So he puts them in just enough pain, enough to make sure they understand it’s a punishment, but not enough to make them pass out from pain.’ I answered.

‘That is sick!’ Garcia said and Morgan nodded.

‘He is sick, baby girl. Did you catch him?’ He asked and everyone’s faces fell.

‘No.’ Hotch answered, even though I was sure that Morgan had already gathered as much just from observing us.

‘So… we’re continuing the search?’ Morgan asked and started to sit up, but both Garcia and I put a hand on his shoulders and held him down.

‘We are, not you.’ I said.

‘Reid.’ Hotch breathed and I froze and looked back at him. ‘Let’s talk.’ He said with a twitch of his head towards the door and JJ squeezed my shoulder gently and gave me a knowing smile before letting go.

‘Uh oh, pretty boy.’ Morgan taunted and I glared down at him before following Hotch into the hallway outside of Morgan’s room.

‘I told you to not pursue Morgan and Quint into the cellar.’ He said and I looked at him. I remembered that I had thought I was going to tell Hotch I hadn’t heard it, but it had been a bad idea from the beginning. Hotch is a profiler, and I hate lying. There just wasn’t any sense to it.

‘Tell me you wouldn’t have gone.’ I said, looking straight into his eyes and he sighed.

‘I would suspend you if I didn’t think you might need your gun.’ He muttered and I took a deep breath. ‘As it is, you’re not joining the search.’

‘Hotch…’

‘No. Quint is still out there, and with Morgan here we can’t spare anyone to keep an eye on you.’

‘I don’t need a babysitter.’ I said and he just raised an eyebrow.

‘We’ll get two uniforms to stay outside Morgan’s and Bryans’ rooms, he might be coming back to finish what he started. Call me when you want to go home, I want someone with you as well.’

‘Fine. If you’re not going to let me go back to the culverts to investigate, at least let me stay here and question Bryans when he wakes up.’ I said and there was a moment of hesitation before Hotch nodded.

‘Stay safe.’ He said, and I went back into Morgan’s room.

‘Let’s go.’ Hotch said from the door, and the rest of the team left. I looked after them, hoping that they would stay safe as well.

‘So…’ Morgan grinned broadly, ‘we are, not you?’

‘Shut up.’ I smiled self-depreciatingly and sat down in my chair again.

‘Hey, kid. It’s not your fault.’

‘I shouldn’t have left you.’ I shrugged. ‘It was stupid.’

‘We didn’t think he was going to go after me.’

‘Actually, you were trying to get him to target someone; you just managed to get him to target you.’

‘I’m sorry, kid. I never even considered you might consider my teasing as bullying.’

‘Some forms of bullying are just what the bully considers to be teasing. Because they can’t consider that someone will be hurt.’

‘Reid…’ Morgan sighed, looking sad.

‘Which is to say, I have never taken your teasing as more than teasing.’ I smiled at him and he exhaled, relieved. ‘I’m just sorry this happened at all.’

‘I’ll be out of here soon, kid.’

‘To be honest, I spoke with the doctor earlier, he’s saying at least two days.’

‘What? For what?’

‘Because he fears you would tear your stitches, and bleed out on the doorstep to the hospital.’

‘You left.’ He said reproachfully.

‘I was only shot in the shoulder. The bullet didn’t even go close to anything that could risk killing me.’ I said and Morgan nodded with a roll of his eyes.

‘How’s that feeling, by the way?’ He said with a small nod of his head towards my shoulder.

‘It’s fine, it only hurts when I move it.’ I said honestly and he snorted. We both looked to the door when someone knocked and one of the policemen looked in.

‘Dr. Reid, Mr. Bryans just woke up.’ He said and stepped back out again after I’d thanked him. I got to my feet and Morgan started taking off his IV.

‘I’m going alone.’ I said and put my hand over his, stopping him from removing the IV. ‘There are police outside both your room and Bryans’, nothing will happen to me in between.’

‘That’s not what I worried about. Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to interview Bryans?’ He frowned and I understood.

‘It will be fine.’ I said. I have always been quite good at building up walls, I would surely be able to talk to this victim without thinking too much about what Quint would do against me if he caught me. Considering he would not get me, it was actually a rather moot point.

I knocked on the door to Bryan’s room and stepped inside without waiting for an affirmative, but I stopped just inside, where he could see me, and lifted my left hand in a small wave.

‘Roger Bryans? I’m Dr. Spencer Reid with the FBI. Would it be all right if I ask you some questions?’

He looked at me with wide eyes, but nodded, so I went to sit down next to him.

‘He told me you’d come.’ He said and I froze.

‘Sorry?’

‘When he… when he raped me. He called me Spencer, and he said you would come soon.’ I closed my eyes slowly and took a deep breath before I looked at him again.

‘What else did he tell you?’

‘He made me do it…’ The man muttered, apparently distraught. ‘I’m not gay, you know!’ He said, looking at me intently, willing me to believe him.

‘I know.’ I nodded.

‘He made me… he made me pretend to _like_ it.’ He said and shivered. ‘He made me _ask_! He made me ask to the raped, or get my bones broken. I really didn’t want it!’

‘I know you didn’t.’ I said amiably, realizing I had been right. The broken bones were a punishment for not being submissive to him.

‘He said… _good boy_. Like I was a dog. _You’re doing good_ , he said.’ He paused. ‘The last thing he said to me was, _You’re not good enough. He will be better._ ’ He said and a tear fell from his eye. ‘Please, can I be alone?’ He asked and I nodded, getting to my feet.

‘I will make sure someone comes in to talk to you in a while.’

‘A shrink you mean?’ He said, looking dejected.

‘A psychiatrist can help you get through this. It has nothing to do with whether or not you are strong or weak, they will simply help you process what has happened.’

‘I… ‘ he started and I looked back at him. ‘I hope he never gets to you. He had… plans, he said. He was just… using me for practice.’

I nodded calmly, or at least I hoped it was calmly, and left him. I knew I should have questioned him more, I should have tried to find out what the plans were, I should have tried to figure out what made Quint tick. Instead of doing this, I ran to the toilets where I promptly proceeded to throw up. So much for my walls.

Once I collected myself enough to get up from the floor, I didn’t know how much time had passed. That frightened me more than anything, I never lost track of time like this.

Going to the sinks, I could feel myself shivering. I turned the faucet on and splashed cold water in my face. I put my mouth under the faucet and swirled the water around in my mouth, trying to remove the taste of bile.

‘Reid?’ I heard from the door and I slowly straightened up and turned to look towards the door where Morgan was standing, keeping himself steady through holding on to the doorframe.

‘What are you doing up?’ I asked, narrowing my eyes.

‘Kid, you’ve been gone for two hours. The uniforms said you finished the interview in five minutes.’ He answered, looking at me suspiciously, and I sighed as I grabbed some paper towels and dried my face with them.

‘Let’s get you back.’ I just said and squeezed myself past him.

‘Reid!’ He said, putting a hand on my shoulder, making me tense up, but I stopped.

‘Not here, Morgan, not now.’ I said and he looked at me carefully through pained eyes before he nodded.

He took one step away from the door, and stumbled. I immediately wrapped my arms around him, stabilizing him enough to keep him standing. I winced as I pulled my arm out of the sling and supported his weight with the injured arm. He closed his eyes in pain of his own, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. It said a lot about what kind of pain he was in, that he did not even consider my wound. I said nothing and just wrapped my arm around his waist and helped support him back to his room.

‘How did you even get out there? The cops are supposed to be watching you.’ I said as I saw his room was currently left unguarded.

He chuckled.

‘I might have… insinuated there was an FBI agent keeping watch farther down the hall.’ He said with a small smirk and I sighed as I gently helped him back on the bed.

‘You know I can take care of myself, right?’ I asked and sat down on the chair next to him and reattached his IV, and he looked at me doubtfully.

‘Are you even allowed to do that?’ He asked, looking pointedly at the IV.

‘I’m a doctor, remember?’ I smirked, and he chortled sharply before he stopped himself with a wince.

‘Yeah, I forgot, you know everything.’ He said drowsily, and I let it slide. I’d tried to tell him so many times by now that I did, in fact, not know everything.

‘Talk to me, kid?’ He said then, looking at me with pleading, but tired, eyes and I shook my head.

‘Go to sleep, Morgan.’

‘Kid…’ He murmured.

‘Focus on recovering, I’ll be here when you wake up again.’

‘Promise?’ He muttered, his eyes slowly falling shut, but refusing to go to sleep before I’d given him an answer.

‘Always.’ I breathed, feeling inexplicable warmth flow through me as I saw his smile; it made me shiver. I knew what it was.

I was in love with Derek Morgan.


	7. Taken

I sat in Morgan’s room for a long while, alternating between looking out the window, to down at Morgan, to the journals that Hotch had brought at my request. I had gotten up several times, gone to the chair by the door where the journals were lying, taken the top journal, and had promptly set it back down.

‘Kid. Please, talk to me?’ I heard Morgan’s voice and I turned away from the journals to look at him. His eyes looked a lot clearer, the drowsiness that had been prominent previously had faded to almost nothing, making me fairly confident that the morphine he had gotten for the pain had left his system.

‘There is nothing to talk about.’ I answered and he narrowed his eyes.

‘Like hell there isn’t.’ I wasn’t sure I particularly enjoyed his sudden clarity. ‘First you barely interviewed Bryans for five minutes, and not even you can have an interview with a traumatized victim in five minutes. Besides that, it isn’t like you to hesitate over a journal.’ He said and reached for his IV.

‘You really should stop trying to pull that out. You’ll just need to stay longer.’ I said calmly, trying to deflect his attention. He scooted up a bit so he could sit up and lean against the headboard. ‘The head of the bed raises, you know.’ I said in amusement.

‘You were throwing up after that interview, kid.’ He wouldn’t be deterred.

‘I was.’ I nodded, not seeing a reason for lying, but still not seeing a reason to give him more information than necessary.

‘Kid, if you can’t do your job…’ He continued and I fixed him with a glare.

‘I’m practically suspended either way.’ I retorted bitterly before I realized my behavior was irrational, so I took a deep breath, calming myself. ‘Hotch and JJ came over while you were sleeping and spoke with Bryans again. He’d been held in a cabin up until the day of the seminar, when he was brought into the culverts. They brought me the journals to go through.’ I said, looking back to the stack of journals with a feeling of trepidation that had taken root deep in my stomach ever since I saw the pictures of the victims on the first day of the case. If I had told Hotch how I felt, he would have had me completely off the case faster than I could blink. Retrospectively, with the facts in hand, maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad idea after all.

‘What if there’s a hint in those journals in regards to where he is hiding?’

‘That’s why I’m trying to get through them!’ I snapped, getting more and more frustrated my inability to handle this case in a logical manner.

‘Hey,’ he breathed, concern clear on his face, ‘I’ll help. Read them to me.’

‘It will take too long.’ I said and he smiled smugly.

‘Longer than if you don’t read them at all?’ He grinned widely.

I sighed deeply and took the journals before sitting down next to Morgan again where set the top journal in my lap. Slowly, I put my left hand on the cover, and couldn’t open it; I just stared.

Morgan reached over and put his hand over mine.

‘Together, remember?’ He said gently, and we opened the cover. I closed my eyes, took a deep, shaky breath, and began to read it to him. After an hour I began to taper off and simply read to myself, speeding up. Morgan didn’t say anything, but he didn’t remove his hand from mine either.

In the first journals, and the beginning of this one, Quint had written a lot about the ‘it’ he was protecting. Then there was a break in his writings for a week, and after that, the entries became darker. He went from torturing animals to thinking about something so much more disturbing. He had been following me even in the very first journal, at which point his fantasies had been quite mild. Now they were becoming more possessive. On one page he had drawn my face all over it, and I felt Morgan’s hand tighten around mine in silent support. It took Quint six months after that to take his first victim. The last page of that journal had a detailed drawing of the victim. We had never found that one.

I picked up my phone, took a picture of the drawing and sent it off to Garcia. She would be able to find whoever this was.

I slowly closed the journal and set it aside with a sigh. I was about to reach for the next but changed my mind before it became obvious. I turned my hand around in Morgan’s, to have it palm against palm, and squeezed it lightly to show that I was fine, before I let it go.

‘What you doing?’ He asked, looking at me through heavily lidded eyes.

‘Coffee.’ I smiled and he snorted in amusement.

‘Course.’ He said and closed his eyes. He had actually managed to stay awake for a lot longer than I would have expected. Even though they had stopped giving him opioids as painkillers, his body was still putting a lot of energy towards recovering, which would naturally make him drowsy.

I bought a cup of coffee before I sat down by Morgan again. He’d fallen fully asleep, his face looking surprisingly relaxed, and I watched him sleep for a few seconds before I picked up the journal. Again, I hesitated before opening it, and I looked back at Morgan once more before I finally had the strength to start reading.

It was… disconcerting to say the least. The first guy was a rape victim. He had him for half a month. It read… messy. As it was his first kill, that wasn’t unexpected. He’d had good progress in ‘taming’ the first victim, but then he’d gone overboard and he had killed him through asphyxiating him during a rape where the victim had been fighting too much. He had written down exactly how it felt the moments before he had died, and how he had felt the life leave the body. That was the only time he had lost control enough to actually kill someone involuntarily.

I took a shaky breath as I finished that journal and looked down at Morgan. If Quint had wanted to, he could have killed him too. I was sure there was a reason why he hadn’t. I gently took a hold of Morgan’s hand, feeling slightly self-conscious. He wouldn’t mind me holding his hand, at least not as long as he didn’t found out about my newest insight regarding my feelings for him. Feeling myself grow tired I put my other arm on the bed and lay my head on it. I just needed to rest for a moment.

…

_‘It helps.’_ He said and tightened the tourniquet around my arm.

_‘Please, I don’t want it, I don’t want it.’_

_‘Trust me.’_

I inhaled sharply and opened my eyes as the needle sank into my skin.

‘Kid?’

I panted and rolled up my sleeve in sheer panic. I saw no new marks, but I could feel it. It itched!

‘Reid! Stop!’ someone said and put their hands on top of mine, making me stop scratching. I frowned, feeling completely disoriented as I listened to the person next to me. It took a second before I recognized him, and realized it had all been a dream.

I swallowed tightly and forced myself to stop looking at the faded scars on my arm. I looked up at Morgan, but the concern and anguish that I saw on his face was even harder to face, so I closed my eyes and drew a shaky breath.

‘Hey, pretty boy.’ He said gently, and my stomach turned. I couldn’t deal with this right now; I had to get some air.

‘Coffee.’ I muttered, extracted myself from him and stumbled off on shaky legs.

‘Reid!’ I heard him call after me, but I didn’t stop.

I got my coffee and went to sit down on a bench outside of the hospital. I just needed a moment to gather myself. I’d go back soon.

I scratched distractedly at my arm, forcing myself to stop as soon as I realized I was doing it. Itching is one of the most common withdrawal symptoms for Dilaudid, but in my case it had carried over even after I had gotten clean, and gone into being a nervous habit. It wasn’t that often that I scratched anymore, I have a pretty good control over my mind, but the dreams I’d been having lately were ripping the memories open again. I shivered violently and realized I was scratching again.

‘Damn it!’ I muttered and brought the coffee cup to my lips and immediately spat it out. It was cold already.

‘Spence?’ I heard JJ’s voice from the side and I looked up at her. She looked at me worriedly, and I saw her eyes glance down to my arm, where I again was scratching. I wrapped my hand around my elbow, forcing myself to push my nails into my arm, to the point where it was hurting me.

‘Hey, JJ’ I smiled up at her and she cautiously smiled back.

‘Are you alright?’

‘I’m not the one who got stabbed.’ I answered simply.

‘I know that, Spence. But this whole ordeal…’

‘You know, it’s actually rather unlikely that a person will die from a stab wound. As long as a doctor can help them in time the mortality rate is less than eight percent.’ I said as I stood up and started walking back towards Morgan’s room, JJ walking next to me.

‘Spence, you know we’re all here for you, right?’ she said after a little while and I nodded.

‘Of course I do! Thank you.’ I answered.

Morgan was halfway out of the bed when we arrived at his room, making me frown. It took me three long strides to get to him and gently help him back onto his bed.

‘What are you doing?’ I asked as I yet again attached his IV. I was getting tired of continuously needing to do that. How hard could it be to just stay in bed, as all the good doctors kept telling him to do?

‘Going after you. You were gone for an hour.’ He replied, gazing at me warily. He wanted to say something, but since JJ was there, I knew he wouldn’t push me about the nightmare I had woken from earlier. ‘You’re not supposed to be alone either.’ He shared a smile with JJ and she gave him a small wink.

‘What?’ I asked, feeling as though something was going straight over my head.

‘I’m here to pick you up, Spence.’ JJ explained. ‘We realized there was no way you were going to call Hotch to get security detail, so I decided I would bring you to my place tonight.’

‘What? No! I mean… No!’ I shook my head to emphasize my reluctance.

‘Henry is sleeping at a friend’s house.’ She smiled knowingly and I frowned. That was indeed my main reason, but I also didn’t want to leave Morgan. ‘Visiting hours will finish soon anyways.’ She added and I raised an eyebrow in annoyance.

‘The downside of working with profilers, kid.’ Morgan chuckled, and I further displayed my displeasure by pursing my lips, but sighed, knowing when I was beaten.

‘All right.’ I finally nodded and bent to pick up the journals when Morgan caught my hand.

‘Leave that here, kid. They’ll still be here tomorrow.’

‘Fine.’ I said, not needing a lot of convincing. I just grabbed my bag and followed JJ to her car.

‘Will’s home?’ I asked after a moment and she smiled at me before driving out of the parking lot.

‘He is, but don’t worry, he’s fine with you coming over.’

‘I don’t want to intrude on your free time. You can just bring me to my apartment.’

‘Spence,’ she started in a mix of determination and exasperation. She sounded a bit like a mother. A _lot_ like a mother, actually. ‘I will not let you be alone; you shouldn’t even have been outside of the hospital alone. If you want to be in your apartment, then I will come with you and spend the night on your couch. Now, I would much prefer spending the night in my own bed, but if you mean to be stubborn, then so will I.’ I snorted and she turned a quick grin in my direction, knowing that she had me.

‘I give.’ I said and looked out of the window, thinking about the best way to ask how the case was going.

‘Have you gotten any closer to finding him?’ I finally asked after five minutes of silence.

‘Spence…’ she said sadly, but only hesitated for a moment. ‘We found a single yellow flower at his place, it was fresh, recently taken out of water, so he had taken it out recently.’

‘In this case,’ I began, pondering the meaning of her revelation, not even considering the reason they hadn’t told me about it earlier, ‘I suspect a yellow flower might mean new beginning, or jealousy. Most likely, if you found it by the shrine, it means new beginning. He’s getting ready for his end game.’

JJ bit her lip, obviously trying to decide what to say as she pulled up to her driveway and put the car in park.

‘Your shrine, Spence… it was disturbing.’ She said, looking intently at her hands that she kept on the steering wheel, and I kept quiet. She had brought it up, so I knew she would continue. ‘He had everything on you. He had some of your hair. He had… obviously been ejaculating everywhere around that place. I… I couldn’t stay to watch it, I had to…’ she shook her head, as though trying to clear the images from her mind.

‘It’s all right.’ I smiled softly. ‘I probably wouldn’t have stayed either.’ She turned to me with a concerned look.

‘Spence, please, don’t go out alone again.’ Her voice broke slightly, but she took a breath and changed her expression to be sterner before she finally turned her gaze away from her hands and straight into my eyes. ‘It would kill us if something happened to you, you get that, right?’

I nodded slowly, knowing she meant exactly what she was saying. It made me more than uncomfortable however. Even though I’ve been with my team for a very long time I’m still not used to the feeling of having a somewhat normal family, and I haven’t quite figured out how to handle it yet.

‘Thank you.’ I muttered and she sighed softly before she reached over and gave me a hug.

‘Come on, we better get inside before Will starts wondering what we’re doing out here.’ She chuckled and I frowned as we let each other go and got out of the car.

‘What’s there to wonder about?’ I asked, perplexed, and she laughed happily, taking a gentle hold of my uninjured arm.

‘Never stop being you, Spence.’ She chuckled, and while I didn’t understand entirely what she meant, I smiled down at her with a soft snort.

You can always trust your family to make you feel better.

**…**

My sleep that night had been restless to say the least. Not wanting to wake Will or JJ with a nightmare, I had only let myself sleep for at most an hour before I forced myself to stay awake for ten, and then I had repeated the cycle again. So as soon as I got to the hospital, I grabbed myself the biggest cup of coffee that I could find before I went to Morgan’s room.

‘Visiting hours starting already, kid?’ Morgan asked with a grin on his face as I stepped in.

‘You look better.’ I just said and he snorted, tuning down his grin into a soft smile.

‘I feel better.’ He answered, looking perfectly honest.

I sat down next to him, keeping eye contact. His eyes were completely clear; his pupils were reacting normally to the change in light as I moved myself slightly to block the direct light from the lamp.

‘I’m fine, kid.’ He said with a chuckle, and today I believed him a bit more than I had the day previous.

‘You’re definitely better. But you’re not fine.’ I said and he chuckled in surprise.

‘It aches a bit.’ He conceded, making me grin.

‘What?’ He asked with a suspicious frown. ‘You look exactly like you do when you’ve just been right.’

‘So, like I do all the time?’ I smiled, raising my eyebrows.

‘Oh, you didn’t.’ he chuckled, looking at me in amazement and I just shrugged before I picked up the next journal and started leafing it through as I tended to my coffee.

‘Hey…’ Morgan said after in a more somber mood after a moment. ‘I read the last one during the night… Something happened during that week when he didn’t write anything.’

‘Yes, I believe his protégé died.’

‘Do we know who it was?’ He asked and I pursed my lips.

‘I told Hotch as soon as I saw it yesterday, but if they found out who it was they haven’t told me.’ I muttered. ‘I was supposed to meet up with his old teacher today. JJ promised me that she would talk to her instead.’

‘You could have gone to the office instead of here today.’

‘And leave my boyfriend behind?’ I asked, raising my eyebrows.

‘You’re just a regular comedian today, aren’t you? You had a nice night at JJ’s?’

‘I did! We played some poker.’

‘Ah. And you won?’

I raised my eyebrows in mock surprise.

‘Do you doubt me?’

‘Not in the slightest, kid.’ He chuckled just as someone knocked on the door, making both of us turn that way.

‘Hello, Agent Morgan.’ The doctor said with a nod of his head as he looked at the charts. ‘How are you feeling today?’

‘I feel perfectly fine. Well enough to go home.’ He smiled.

‘We’ll see about that. Look at the light, please.’ He said and shone a flashlight into Morgan’s eyes. He made a humming sound and looked over at the IV.

‘They’re saying you haven’t gotten as much fluids as you should have.’

‘Because he’s impossible to keep down.’ I answered and Morgan shrugged. ‘He’s been removing the IV.’

‘That might give you a few more hours here, but I’ll have the nurse come by in a while to take some tests, if everything looks fine then, you can leave.’

‘Great, thanks.’ Morgan said and the doctor left.

‘Told you that you were being stupid.’ I smirked, referring to his constant removal of the IV.

‘Yeah, you’re the doctor.’ He said in annoyance and pressed his lips into a thin line.

‘Remember it.’ I smiled widely and he snorted in surprise.

Then Morgan’s phone started ringing. I knew it was Garcia as soon as I saw his eyes light up. The wide grin that spread on his face before he answered just confirmed it further.

‘Hey, baby girl.’ He said in the sweetest tone he could manage.

‘I’ll leave you two and grab some more coffee.’ I said, holding up my half-full coffee cup to demonstrate in case he didn’t hear me, but he nodded.

‘Get me one too, pretty boy.’

‘Coffee is dehydrating.’ I just answered and went out, hearing him call ‘Kid!’ after me, which I chose to ignore.

I drained what was left of my previous coffee before I threw the cup away right outside of Bryan’s room. A thought came to me, making me hesitate for a moment before I backed up. I knocked on his door to warn him that I was coming in and opened the door slowly in case he was sleeping.

‘Agent Reid.’ Bryans said with a raspy voice as soon as he saw me.

‘Hello again.’ I said with a small wave of my hand. ‘I have some more questions for you, if you feel up to it.’

He nodded. ‘Agent Hotchner talked to me just yesterday, I told him everything I remember.’ He said with a small frown before he sighed. ‘I take it you haven’t caught the bastard yet?’

‘Not yet, but we’re looking. I’ve actually been reading through some of his journals and one entry caught me. I didn’t realize it until now, but, he wrote a part about making his victims comfortable, luring them into a sense of home… Did he have anything that would remind you of home?’

Bryans frowned, deep in thought. His mind was trying to forget what had happened, and he was trying to force it to remember again.

‘Yeah…’ he said slowly. ‘Not at first though… but after a while he gave me things; things that were already mine. He gave me my photo of my mother first, then he gave me my blanket.’

‘Did he get those when he attacked you?’

‘No… no, I don’t think so. He gave me some drug, I couldn’t do anything, but I saw everything. He was in a hurry, he just grabbed me and got out.’

‘So he did go back. Thank you!’ I said, went out of the room, and picked up my phone to call Hotch.

‘Sir, no phones in the hospital, please.’ A nurse said. I nodded contritely and put it back in my pocket. I would just use it in Morgan’s room, or I’d have him tell Garcia since they were probably still on the phone.

I took the time to go by the cafeteria to buy some coffee, and after a moment of hesitation, I bought a cup for Morgan as well.

The officers weren’t standing outside of his room when I came there, making me take longer strides to get inside, cursing myself at having left my gun in my bag that was lying on the chair in Morgan’s room. I stepped inside and it took me a moment to realize that there was absolutely no sign of a struggle, making me breathe out in relief. I looked at his chart and saw that he was out, getting some tests done.

I chuckled at myself and put Morgan’s coffee on the bedside table before I picked up the journal where I’d read the entry about making his acquisitions feel at home. I found it quickly and turned the corner down slightly on that page, to make it easier to find again.

After having done that, I again picked up my phone and dialed Garcia. I heard the dialing tone start going off in my phone at the same time as the door to Morgan’s room was opened.

‘Hey, Morgan, he’s going into his victim’s homes.’ I said to him, just before Garcia answered her phone.

‘Hey wonder boy! How’s it going, I just got off with Morgan.’ She said cheerfully.

‘Hey, Garcia, could you tell…’ I flinched when I felt a sharp sting in my shoulder.

‘Morgan, what…’ I asked angrily as I turned around. When I saw who it was, I realized how incredibly stupid I had been. ‘Quint…’ I breathed, feeling as though everything started to go slower, my vision was becoming blurry. He’d given me sedatives.

‘Too easy, my dear Spencer.’ He chuckled.

‘Reid! What’s going on? You tell me now…’ I heard Garcia call in my ear and I opened my mouth to answer her, or at least I think I did, but then Quint gently took the phone away from my hand, hung up the call and put the phone on the bedside table.

‘Let’s go, Spencer.’ He said, took a hold of my arm, put it over his shoulders and wrapped his own arm around my waist. I heard my phone ringing as he gently helped me into a wheelchair and rolled me out of the room. It was a completely debilitating feeling as I tried to move, and tried to scream out, but I could do nothing.

‘Don’t worry, Spencer, I’ve got you.’ Quint said. He was using my name at every sentence, trying to make it feel as though we knew each other. Trying to make me feel comfortable, trying to make sure no onlookers at the hospital saw anything strange with us leaving together. Probably no one would think twice about someone being leaving the hospital in a wheelchair. I swept the hall with my eyes, wishing to catch a glimpse of Morgan, but he was nowhere to be seen. Hopefully Garcia was already calling in the cavalry.

No one stopped us as we went out through the revolving doors, and no one even glanced twice at us in the parking lot. We stopped by a car and he opened the passenger door, the seat was covered by a black tarp.

‘Here, Spencer, get in.’ He said softly and transferred me onto the seat. His voice was intentionally soothing but I doubted it would stay like that for very long.

He leaned over me and strapped me in.

‘Wouldn’t want you to get hurt.’ He chuckled and I couldn’t do anything other than glare at him, but at least I did that to the best of my ability.

He closed the car door and swiftly, or at least I think it was swift, my time perception was failing me, came around and sat down in the driver’s seat and drove off.

I couldn’t move my head, and was pretty much stuck watching him and the road. I felt my eyes trying to close, but I couldn’t allow myself to sleep, I had to see where we were going.

He was constantly taking his eyes off the road to glance at me, as though he couldn’t quite believe that I was actually there. It was possible he really couldn’t believe it. He’d been following me for so many years, and now I was within arm’s reach.

‘I have everything set up for you now.’ He said. ‘Everything is perfect.’ He reached over and put his hand on my thigh. I wanted to scream. He had no business touching me.

‘I won’t hurt you, like _they_ did.’ He said, anger tainting his voice as he spoke about my supposed bullies. If I would have been able to speak, I would have him know that none of those could ever have hurt me as much as he was about to.

He moved his hand on my thigh, caressing it, moving closer and closer towards my more… private regions.

I never would have thought I would be relieved that he stopped his car in the middle of the woods, by a small cabin with bars over its windows, but I was, because he finally removed his hand from my thigh.

He pulled me out of the car, putting my injured arm over his shoulders and practically lifted me into the cabin. I was amazed at how little pain I was feeling, even though he was handling me roughly. I tried to walk along with him, but apparently I couldn’t move my legs at all. My vision was starting to disappear, and I was so tired. I was gone before he had shut the door behind us.


	8. Pet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains torture! Don't like, don't read.

It was chilly when I woke and for a blessed moment I thought I had simply kicked off my covers. But my aching head and the stuffy feeling in my mouth reminded me of what had happened and I blew out a sharp breath in dismay.

I opened my eyes to find myself in darkness, only a stream of soft light made its way through a window. I was lying curled up on a soft cot of some kind and I tried to uncurl a bit, feeling my muscles cramp up. There was a pulling sensation on my wrists and legs when I tried to move, making me realize my hands had been tied to my knees, effectively restricting my movement. I couldn’t figure out why he would tie it like that. Usually, when restricting someone, they would tie the hands to the feet, or tie them to some sort of structure. I frowned, horribly discomforted by the fact that my head felt muddled enough to make me unable to think properly.

‘You awake, Spencer?’ Quint said in a soft voice and sat down on his knees by my head. I shivered violently. I was unsure whether it was due to his mere presence or the cold.

‘There, there, Spencer.’ He said and started to pet my hair, making me clench my teeth. ‘You’ll be fine.’ He moved his hand down, towards my chest and my breath caught.

‘No, nonono.’ I whispered. ‘Don’t touch me.’ I muttered and tried to get away from his touch.

‘Shhh.’ He tried to calm me, but when I failed to stop struggling he grabbed my shoulders, making me groan in pain, and he pulled me closer to him. He lifted my head and made me put it down on his lap. ‘Sleep some more, everything will be fine.’ He said and just kept stroking my hair and pushing my head down at every stroke. I was repulsed and I couldn’t believe in his words. As long as I was alone with him, nothing would be fine. But I was still under the effects of the sedative and knew I wouldn’t be able to stay awake no matter how hard I tried. At least I knew he wouldn’t do anything without me being awake for it. Maybe my team would arrive while I slept.

…

When I woke up again, I was sure I was alone. This time the room was brighter, with the sun shining in through the window, giving me the opportunity to look around. The soft cot I had identified that I was lying on was an enlarged version of a dog bed. He had stripped me naked, and, as I’d noticed during the night, tied my hands and knees together. Now that my brain wasn’t feeling so fuddled up anymore, I realized it was because he wanted me to crawl if I needed to go anywhere. I was truly a pet to him.

The walls of the cabin were completely in timber, and there was absolutely nothing about it that would make it look comely. No curtains, no paintings, no flowers. There were newspapers lying spread out all over the floor, bringing my thoughts to the books that I’d read when Morgan had told me he’d gotten a puppy. It was done to paper-train them, and I realized Quint wasn’t planning on letting me out of this room for a very long while. I shifted on the cot, trying to turn over so I could get a look at the door that I assumed would be there. All of the windows had bars over them; I was wondering what he’d done to make the door secured.

‘Good morning, Spencer.’ Quint said then and I settled for just turning my head to see him approaching. He must have been in the room ever since before I woke up.

‘What do you want with me?’ I asked hoarsely and he fixed me with an angry look.

‘You’re not supposed to talk!’ He said and sat down behind me, putting his hand on my back, making me flinch away. ‘I won’t punish you this time, since you didn’t know.’

‘I’m not so easily silenced.’ I said. Of course I knew that he wanted me to be silent. He wanted me to behave like his pet. But the more focused I could keep him on punishing and taming me, the less likely he was to try to get his sexual pleasure from me. He wrapped his hand around my throat and squeezed tightly, making me gasp for breath.

‘You’re beautiful, Spencer. The best specimen. You need to do what I say, or I will be forced to punish you.’

‘Then punish me.’ I pushed out tightly, but I felt my voice shake.

His free hand punched against my jaw and I felt my jaw shift, making me cry out in pain. Then he squeezed tighter with the hand around my throat, completely cutting off my air supply. Intellectually I knew that he wouldn’t kill me yet but I also knew I would be walking a tight line. If I didn’t upset him enough, he’d eventually rape me. But if I antagonized him too much, he might lose control and actually kill me.

I struggled wildly as he wouldn’t let go and I still couldn’t get any air. The ropes burned around my legs and wrists, but I couldn’t get anywhere close to hitting or kicking him. He was laughing when I blacked out.

…

He had put my head in his lap again while I’d been out and was stroking my hair when I woke up. The light from the window told me that I’d been out for at least a few hours as it was starting to get dark again. My throat felt as though it was on fire, and my jaw ached intensely. With every stroke he did he touched my jaw and the only reason I didn’t scream is because I thought screaming would make it hurt even worse. I tried moving it slightly, and while it did hurt, it felt as though everything was still in place.

‘Spencer, why did you have to make me punish you? I don’t want to do it, you know.’

‘Then don’t.’ I whispered in pain, trying to move my jaw as little as possible. My voice sounded foreign to me, but I attributed it to the fact that he’d been strangling me. His hands started to travel away from my face and I forced myself to keep talking. ‘Don’t hurt me. It’s your choice.’

‘You don’t get it. I’m not hurting you. _They_ were hurting you. I’m protecting you from them.’

I shook my head as much as I was able to, which wasn’t much at all.

‘They never hurt me.’

‘They did!’ He said and got to his feet quickly, making me fall down on the floor, hitting my head. ‘They were always talking about you, talking behind your back, bullying you.’

I shook my head.

‘They…’

‘Shut up!’ He yelled and a sudden pain shot up my back as he kicked me, making me shout and I felt tears of pain gather in my eyes. ‘I told you to be quiet!’

‘You’re hurting me.’ I groaned.

‘I’m protecting you!’ he screamed. ‘That colleague of yours, Derek Morgan, he was hurting you!’

‘No, he’d never hurt me.’ I swallowed tightly. ‘He’ll save me.’ I muttered and flinched when I felt his hand on my injured shoulder.

‘Then what is this?’ He asked, tracing the gun wound with his thumb.

‘You shot me.’ I answered defiantly and he pressed his thumb hard against the wound. I clenched my teeth, trying to avoid screaming, shivering uncontrollably from the pain and the cold.

‘Only because he swerved! I would have hit him!’ he shouted but then his demeanor changed. He moved his thumb from my wound and looked at me softly. ‘I would never have done that against you, Spencer.’ He stroked his hand over my naked hip and I recoiled from his touch.

‘But you did.’ I forced out and he growled angrily.

‘No! It’s that man’s fault! I should have killed him!’

‘No, I’m happy you didn’t.’ I said, trying to give him one small touch of approval, of hope that he could tame me.

‘You’re… happy?’ He asked, turning me over onto my back. He leaned over me and I panicked. I bent my legs and kicked him as hard as I could in his crotch. He screamed and fell over, curled together. I twisted over onto my stomach and pushed myself up to my knees and hands and crawled slowly towards the door when his hand pushed my head down.

‘Pretty boy,’ he spat cruelly, ‘that’s what he calls you, right Spencer? Would it make you happy if I called you that?’ He said, leering, and pushed my head even harder against the floor and crawled over me.

‘No.’ I breathed out. He was trying to take Morgan away from me.

‘I think it would, pretty boy.’ He smirked and pushed his entire body flat towards me. I could feel his erection pressing against my leg, and I tried to squirm away.

‘No matter what you call me, I’ll never be happy here.’ I said and he grabbed my head with a tight grip of his hand, and though I tried to get away I was unable to. He lifted me up slightly before he slammed my face into the ground, mercifully letting me escape into darkness.

…

I woke up screaming. My foot was being twisted harshly and I heard the bone crack.

‘Stop!’ I yelled raspingly, clenching my teeth and feeling tears of pain roll down my cheeks.

‘It’s so you won’t try to kick me again, pretty boy.’ He said, still holding on to my broken foot. I couldn’t get enough air, and was still gasping in pain.

‘I brought you something.’ He said then, with a genuine smile and he dropped my foot. I grabbed my knee with my hands and tried to set the foot down as gently as possible, but it hurt.

He came over with my bag and I reached for it instinctively, it was mine. He pulled it back.

‘Oh no, pretty boy. You can only play with it if you do what I say.’ He said with a smirk and I shook my head.

‘Never.’ I spat. His eyes narrowed in anger and he kicked at my face. I just barely had time to throw myself backwards to avoid the worst of it, and just got scratched by his boot. He was easier to anger now, and I needed to be more careful if I wanted to survive this.

‘Why won’t you shut up?’ He screamed in frustration, and threw the bag at me. If I did shut up, I knew what would happen. Based on his journals, everyone else had gotten quiet a whole lot quicker. They would have been afraid for their lives and probably didn’t put up too much of a fight after the first few punishments. While I knew he would kill me eventually, he would do his absolute best to tame me. I just needed to distract him from raping me until my team came. The darkness outside told me it had probably been a bit more than a day since I had been taken

‘Please, pretty boy.’ He almost sounded like Morgan for a moment and I blinked to get rid of that image. ‘I don’t _want_ to punish you.’ He said with a pleading voice and gathered me into his arms and began kissing my bruised jawbone. It hurt so badly, more psychologically than physically, and I whimpered.

‘Stop… please…’ I moaned and he rocked us gently.

‘There, there, pretty boy.’ He murmured and moved his hand over my chest. My breath hitched in a sob, and I hated that those words could break me so badly.

‘I know you want this.’ He whispered. It made me pull myself together and I moved my head away just a bit and brought it back against his nose with as much force as I could muster. I had to continue fighting back until I could find a way out from here. He dropped me and put his hands against his nose.

‘I don’t want any of this! You can’t make me feel protected!’ I squeezed out through my abused throat just before his boot hit my chin. Then he aimed it at my stomach, where he managed to get several good hits. I tried to roll with it, I really did, but my broken foot and injured shoulder along with being tied up proved to be detrimental for quick movement.

‘I was training for you! They were quiet the first day!’ He screamed and kept kicking everywhere. This wasn’t good; he was losing control. He kicked my broken foot and I screamed at the pain. Apparently that got him going and he kept kicking that one. I kind of… zoned out after a moment, and the pain became more of a distant throb until he again switched target and aimed at the small of my back. It brought me back screaming and he finally moved away from me.

I was gasping in pain, each breath shaky. I had thought he had lost it completely and had been about to kill me. Every piece of me hurt, but I was the most concerned about the kicks he had managed to get on my sides, they were the most likely to cause internal bleedings. My eyes were drooping heavily, and I was feeling quite certain that something was very wrong, outside of the obvious.

‘Pretty boy.’ I heard Quint’s cooing voice behind me. I swallowed with some difficulty due to the painful feeling in my throat, and gagged when I tasted blood.

He hunched down in front of me and deposited a box of medical supplies next to him, which he immediately picked up a bottle of medicinal alcohol from. He poured some of it onto a wipe and started to clean my face.

‘Your pretty face.’ He said with regret. ‘You have to start obeying me, so I don’t have to do this.’

‘You’ve said that already.’ I winced in pain as he dragged the wipe over my bruised jaw.

‘Shhh. I don’t know why you love barking so much.’ He shook his head and traced his thumb over my lips, letting his gaze travel over my bruised body.

‘Who was he?’ I asked, trying to pull his attention away. He narrowed his eyes. His renewed anger gave me some mixed feelings. I was not sure I would survive another beating, but I had to keep him away from me.

‘Shut up!’ He said, voice hitching slightly. I let out a small breath of relief as he got to his feet and went stand by the closest window, looking out, and a thought came to me. Your first is always special.

‘I know you loved him. He enjoyed this game of…’

‘It’s not a game!’ He shouted, turning back towards me with fire in his eyes.

‘Not a game then.’ I agreed. ‘You were his master. And you failed to protect him.’

‘I didn’t fail!’ He screamed sharply and moved towards me. I tried to move away but he knelt in front of me, put his hand around my throat and pushed me against the wall.

‘He died.’ I croaked out, not entirely sure that I was following the safest path of conversation, but I pushed him again. ‘What makes you think you can protect me?’

‘He was sick!’ He gritted out between clenched teeth.

‘He…’ I tried getting more air, but with every breath I took, he pressed harder, ‘died.’

He roared in agony and let me go. I slumped over to my side and gasped, trying to get in as much air as possible.

‘I didn’t fail him. I protected him! I didn’t fail him. I protected him!’ Quint kept saying. I couldn’t focus on him all that well, still trying to get air into my lungs, but I was fighting a losing battle.

I noticed when he stopped his mantra and turned towards me with a sad gaze.

‘Oh, pretty boy. My Spencer. You just don’t understand what’s good for you. It’s okay, though, I will teach you.’ He smiled gently and came closer. I couldn’t hold on anymore so I closed my eyes and let my consciousness fade.

…

It was harder to come back to the surface the next time. It felt like I was clawing my way up through haze and pain. I looked to the window and saw that the sun was high on the sky. I must have been out for more than twelve hours. Weren’t they coming? Hadn’t they found the journal with the marked corner? Hadn’t they noticed he had gone to my apartment?

I rolled my shoulder experimentally and moaned at the pain. Every inch of me was hurting. Every breath hurt as it ripped at my abused throat. I was so thirsty, and I realized I had seen two bowls earlier, below the window.

‘No…’ I breathed to myself, but I was so incredibly thirsty. My throat was hurting and only water could give it any kind of relief. I looked around slowly to verify Quint was nowhere to be seen before I painfully turned onto my stomach and lifted myself up to my hands and knees and began crawling towards the bowls.

Every move was pure torture, and I still had trouble breathing. My throat was itching on the inside and I coughed, feeling something shift inside of me. I probably had at least one broken rib. The taste of blood I had in my mouth and throat were what made me concerned however.

It could have been two minutes or two hours before I managed to make it to that bowl of water. It was full and I dipped my mouth into it, gulping it down greedily. It was warm and it got tinged red with my own blood, but it was the best thing I’d tasted. I coughed again, but finally it didn’t feel as though I had a grater lodged inside my throat. For a moment, I looked at the bowl next to the water and shook my head in disgust. I was hungry, but I refused to touch that.

The door opened and I twisted around, putting my back against the wall, avoiding giving him any easy access to any… sensitive places.

‘Good boy!’ He said, taking long strides to get to the bowl and me. ‘You drank it all!’ He said with a huge smile, and I just looked up at him in annoyance.

‘I’m bleeding internally.’ I rasped. ‘I need a hospital.’

‘No, pretty boy, I’ll take care of you.’ He hunched down in front of me. ‘I brought you something.’ He said, light shining in his eyes as he rummaged in his pocket for something. He was sure I was going to like it.

When he pulled the needle out, I felt my heart skip a beat, and I started to shake my head in panic, suspecting what he had brought. I wasn’t surprised after that to see him take out a bottle of Dilaudid.

‘Nononono.’ I whispered as quickly as possible, with wide eyes. ‘I don’t want it. I don’t!’ I didn’t want it! But it would take the pain away, and I would be able to escape this place. I shook my head; no, I really didn’t want it!

‘You’re lying. I know you like it.’

‘No!’ I rasped and curled in on myself as much as possible, even as I kept warring with myself. Gods help me, but I wanted it. I wanted the relief it would give me. And it scared me that I wasn’t strong enough to resist it. But I still fought him out of instincts as he grabbed a hold of my arm. I pressed it towards my body as well as I could. I think I was able to hold him off for almost a second before he lifted my arm and quickly pulled a string around it.

‘No.’ I whispered, feeling the tears stinging in my eyes. If I ever got out of this mess I would need to go through all of _that_ again as well. I couldn’t do that again, I didn’t know how to do that again. I didn’t know that I could say no again.

‘Yes, pretty boy.’ He breathed and pushed the needle into my vein, distributing the drug into my system. I felt him pull me into his lap as the drug hit me and a sense of euphoria came over me.

I felt him lift me up and put me down on the cot. He lay down behind me and pulled me back to fit snugly against him. I knew I should have cared, but I couldn’t bring myself to. It was so good; I had forgotten how good it felt to take the drugs.

‘You’re doing good, pretty boy.’ He whispered into my ear, placing kisses along my neck. He caressed me, moved his hand over my entire body. It felt as though it was happening to someone else, and I let myself fade away.

…

He wasn’t around the next time I came back to awareness. My empty stomach felt as though it was trying to eat itself up and I wearily lifted my head to look at the bowls. I longed for food, but the idea of eating _that_ disgusted me.

The time was escaping me more and more, and I was uncertain of how long I’d been in this place. It could have been anything above three days, based on the sun, but since I’d been going in and out of consciousness so much, I really didn’t have a good idea. All I knew was that I was hurt, and alone, and desperate.

I started inching towards the bowls again. I was just going to look. Just going to drink a bit more. I fell onto my side, panting, as soon as I got to the bowls. The smell of the food reached my nose and though it smelled awful it still made my stomach growl. I twisted a bit and managed to get close enough to actually take a piece of the food into my mouth and I chewed. It was dog food and I felt tears of shame rush from my eyes as I leaned in to eat another piece. Every swallow was painful but I kept eating until I had finished all of it.

I curled into a fetal position afterwards; my stomach was hurting even more than it had been. I rocked myself frenetically, hoping to take my mind off of the pain.

I should have been thinking of ways to get away from the place. Or even on how to keep myself alive for as long as possible. And I tried, I really did. But the relentless stabs of pain to my stomach kept interrupting my thoughts. It was almost a relief when I threw up.

I managed to register that the dog food that I had eaten was now completely covered in blood and I knew I would die if I didn’t get to a hospital soon. I couldn’t control it when my eyes fell closed, and I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to open them again.

…

I was so cold; so incredibly cold. My teeth were clattering, and I kept my eyes shut. There was warmth behind me and I instinctually pressed myself closer to it. But then I realized it was a naked body behind me and I scrambled to get away.

‘It’s ok, pretty boy. Shhhh.’ Quint hushed and tightened his grip around my abdomen, making me cry out in pain and freeze, trying to breath through it. ‘There, there.’ He said, and I started to struggle again when I felt his erected penis against my rear.

‘What did you do?’ I asked in pure, unadulterated, fear and he chuckled, pressing closer to me. I could only intensify my weak struggle, but he refused to let me go.

‘Nothing, yet, pretty boy.’ He kissed the nape of my neck and I sobbed brokenly. How could I have failed so badly?

‘No.’ I breathed and struggled as well as I was able, but I was becoming so weak and in this state he was definitely far stronger than I. ‘I need a hospital.’ I tried to reason with him. ‘Or I will die. Just like him, remember?’

‘No, pretty boy. I won’t let you die. All you need is me.’ He said and I shook my head as I felt him tighten a tourniquet around my arm. I vaguely wondered how long it had been since the last time he’d shot me up, but couldn’t reach a conclusion so I had to let it go.

‘I need…’ I started to ask for a hospital again when I finally realized what might be the only way to get out of here. ‘I want…’

‘What do you want, pretty boy?’

‘My bed. I want my own bed.’ I grated out and practically heard him frown behind me. He bit me sharply on my shoulder and pressed himself as close as he physically could as he found my vein with a needle and administered the drugs. I sobbed in dismay as he got up and left me. I gave up and let my eyes fall closed in a renewed drug-induced bliss.

…

Something was moving under me, every bump threw me around, and I whimpered as I opened my eyes. I was in a cage, in the back of a car. Quint was sitting in the driver’s seat.

‘You up, pretty boy?’ He asked and I just couldn’t talk anymore. The tightness in my throat refused to go away, making me struggle with every breath.

‘Where’s all that bark now, huh?’ He laughed evilly, and I shivered violently, a combination of fear and intense cold. I was pretty sure I had a fever. ‘Oh, pretty boy, we are going to your bed, and there we will have all the fun in the world.’ Nothing was going to keep him from raping me once we got to our final destination.

I tiredly looked up at the mirror, and saw him leer at me. He was thoroughly enjoying this. How long had I been gone now? Why hadn’t they found me yet? He had been back to the apartment twice… or actually, I realized, he probably hadn’t been there at all. My bag had been at the hospital, and I didn’t keep any Dilaudid at my apartment. No drugs of any kind, actually. They might have never had a chance of finding me; he hadn’t gone there even once.

The car came to a stop and he jumped out and went around to the back. He smiled widely in anticipation as he opened the trunk and then the cage. It would be my only chance, I realized, and jumped straight at him, knocking him backwards. He fell with his head against the pavement, and I rolled off him, gasping in pain, when a hand wrapped itself in my hair and lifted me up on my knees.

‘You shouldn’t have done that, pretty boy.’ He hissed and pressed a knife against my back, straight over my heart.

‘FBI! Drop the knife!’ I had never been so glad to hear Morgan’s voice before. I think I sobbed in relief. Quint had immediately covered behind me, using me as a shield.

‘You! I knew I should have killed you!’ He said loudly as I saw movement to the flanks. I didn’t look as it would only give them away, but I knew they were trying to get a clean shot of Quint.

‘Maybe you should have.’ Morgan agreed and I shook my head gently in disagreement but stopped when the knife was pressed harder against my skin.

‘Your pretty boy is damaged goods now.’ He smirked and I saw the horrified look on Morgan’s face.

‘Let Reid go!’

‘I’ll never let my pretty boy go.’ He said, kissing the back of my neck. I could feel myself shivering. I was so cold, and so ready for this to end.

‘Shoot him!’ I managed to say throatily. Quint pressed the knife even harder against me, making me arch my back to get away from it. He leaned in and whispered in my ear.

‘If I can’t have you, no one can.’ My world exploded in pain as he shoved the knife in at the same time as a shot rang out and we both fell down.

‘Reid!’ Morgan shouted and was by my side in less than the time it had taken me to blink. Then again, I was unsure if I had blinked or if I had outright closed my eyes. ‘Hang on, Reid.’ He said and I lifted my head from the ground and placed it on his leg before I closed my eyes. It was so cold.

‘Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare leave me!’ He said loudly. ‘Please!’ He sobbed softly. I wanted to say something, anything that would make him feel better, but I couldn’t form any words, so I forced my eyes open and looked straight into his.

They were so filled with fear I couldn’t really grasp it.

‘Reid, baby, stay with me, please.’ He whispered and caressed my hair on my head. I frowned; he’d never called me that before. I opened my mouth to ask, but nothing would come out except for a pained whimper. I felt my hands and feet being untied and gasped as I felt blood rushing back to muscles that had been unused for days. Then jackets were covering me, but they just made me remember how cold I really was and I think my shivering intensified.

‘Easy, baby.’ Morgan said, and I vaguely wondered what the others would think if they heard him. Logically, I knew they were there, probably right next to us, but all I cared about at that moment was Morgan. I shivered violently and Morgan practically leaned down on top of me, holding me in place.

‘No, baby, try to be still.’ He muttered from above. ‘The knife is still in you, right…’ right over my heart. He didn’t have to say that part.

I forced my hand to move and I took a hold of Morgan’s jacket. He probably felt the tug because he looked down and took my hand in his.

‘You’re so cold.’ He muttered, rubbing his thumb gently over the back of my hand, still keeping his other hand tightly on my shoulder as to make sure I didn’t accidentally push the knife in further if I were to move.

‘Sorry.’ I finally managed to croak out and he flinched. I wasn’t sure if it was the sound of my voice or the word itself that he found the most disturbing. Possibly it was a combination of both.

‘No, baby, no. Don’t be sorry.’ He said with urgency and I could feel myself slipping away, but I wanted to explain to him. I needed to tell him that I was sorry for not being able to protect him at the seminar. I was sorry for leaving him alone at the hospital. I was sorry for always depending on him as much as I did. But I was mostly sorry because I was about to leave him alone again.

‘Not… your… fault.’ I managed to say, staring into his eyes, willing him to believe me, before I closed my eyes one final time. An agonized scream filled my ears before I let go.


	9. Confessions

I couldn’t breathe. Something was blocking my airways and I was sure that I was being strangled.

‘Easy, pretty boy.’ Quint said and I snapped my eyes open, grabbed the edge of whatever I was lying on and tried to get away.

‘No! Reid! Calm down, baby.’ Someone said and gently but firmly pushed me to lie flat on my back. ‘Look at me!’ He put his hands on my cheeks and forced me to face him. ‘Look at me, it’s me, Morgan.’

I stared at him with wide eyes. What was going on? The last thing I remembered was being driven in the car, we were going to my apartment. I pulled my eyebrows together as I tried to remember more. We had arrived and my team had come to save me. What had happened to Quint?

‘You’re in the hospital. Quint is dead. You’re intubated.’ Morgan said, letting my face go. I frowned as I looked around the room as much as I was able. This wasn’t a normal hospital room.

‘We’re in the ICU.’ He answered my unasked question and I raised an eyebrow. ‘I’m your boyfriend, aren’t I?’ He grinned, but his eyes looked worried.

I smirked around the tube. Copycat. I felt my eyes start to fall closed again. For the first time in many days, I didn’t want to go; I wanted to stay with Morgan.

‘It’s all right, baby. Sleep.’ He said softly and took a gentle hold of my hand. ‘I’ll still be here when you wake up.’

…

I heard a weird noise when I woke up again. I couldn’t quite place where it was coming from. I drew a short breath and heard the noise again. Apparently they had removed the tube, and it was my own strained breathing that I was hearing.

‘Kid? Open your eyes, please.’ I heard Morgan’s soft voice and I forced them to open.

‘Hey there, pretty boy.’ He said and I shivered, the words reminding me of Quint, and of how he had said it.

‘Don’t.’ I managed to get out before I started coughing.

‘Hey, easy.’ Morgan said and I heard him move and pour some water into a glass before he came back.

‘Here you go.’ He said, put one hand under my held, helping me lift it slightly, and put the glass to my lips, tilting it slowly even as I was gulping down the contents greedily. He took it away before I had finished, but I didn’t have the strength to object, so I just glared at him.

‘Easy, kid.’ He said, reaching his hand towards my face and gently pulled a strand of my hair behind my ear. I had to restrain myself to not flinch away.

‘He…’ I swallowed, remembering what Morgan had said before I feel asleep in the ICU. ‘He’s dead?’

‘Yes.’ Morgan breathed. ‘He can never get you again.’

Except in my dreams, I thought, but didn’t feel it prudent to share that particular state of mind. But Morgan might have noticed something anyways, because he slid his hand under mine and squeezed gently.

‘Hey, kid.’ Morgan said in concern and hesitated too long to continue, because then someone else entered the room and I had a moment of panic. I winced when the machine that had been giving off a fairly regular beeping until that point began to increase its frequency. I quickly translated it to being a heart monitor.

‘What’s wrong?’ I heard Garcia’s terrified voice and I took a deep breath, or rather as deep a breath as I could manage, trying to calm myself down.

Morgan didn’t let go of my hand, but rather squeezed it tighter and moved his thumb gently over my hand again. I really liked it when he did that.

‘Raise me up.’ I croaked and the thumb on my hand hesitated, but then Morgan reached for the remote to the bed and pressed the button to raise the head further. He continued to stroke my hand gently with his thumb. I gasped as I slid slightly when my head came higher and Morgan immediately stopped the bed. It was enough anyways; I could see Garcia by the door, a hand over her mouth, tears in her eyes.

‘Hi, Garcia.’ I smiled and lifted two fingers in a small wave. She drew in a sob. Before I could see her move she was by my side and gently put her arms around me in a hug. I couldn’t quite manage to lift my arms, so I settled for leaning my head slightly against hers.

‘Baby boy, I was so afraid!’ she said and drew back from me.

‘Know. Sorry.’ I said and coughed at the weird feeling in my throat. It really hurt to talk. She looked up at Morgan in horror, and I wondered what I’d done wrong.

‘You don’t quite sound as yourself, kid.’ Morgan explained, and I snorted.

‘Profiler.’ I muttered with a roll of my eyes and he chuckled.

‘It’s what I do.’

‘Baby boy, I’m so sorry I couldn’t find you.’ She said then and I shook my head, trying to tell her it was all right. ‘There was nothing that pointed towards where he had you. I still don’t know…’ We’d figure it out now, we’d find out why they’d been unable to find any connection to the cabin.

‘Hush, baby girl.’ Morgan said and gave me one final stroke with his thumb before he moved away from me to put his hands on Garcia’s shoulders and he hugged her gently from behind.

‘I’m sorry.’ She sobbed, head in her hands, and I felt lost. I hated seeing her like this.

‘S’ok.’ I murmured and moved my right hand slowly towards her and put it over her hand that was covering her face. She gasped and looked up at me.

It was painful, and I felt my arm quivering, but I could hold it there for her. At least I could until Morgan grabbed my hand by the wrist, put his other hand below my elbow, and gently guided it back to the bed.

‘Oh gods.’ Garcia moaned then, looking down at my bared arm, making me shift my eyes to it as well. I scowled as I took in its appearance. It was completely covered in bruises. I continued to look at it for a while until Morgan slid the covers over it. Judging by the extreme purplish color of some of the bruises, it had been anywhere between one and three days since I had gotten the worst beating. 

‘Baby girl, maybe we should let the kid get some rest, okay?’ Morgan said and I felt panic flare again. No! Don’t leave me alone! I wanted to cry out and the only thing stopping me was the pain in my already abused throat. But then the blasted heart monitor started beeping quicker again, basically crying out for me, and I looked at it in anger. Morgan looked at me with pain in his eyes, he didn’t want to leave me, but he couldn’t leave Garcia like this either.

I nodded to him, though I was sure he could see the fear that I knew was showing in my eyes, and he mouthed sorry as he left the room with Garcia.

Just how long did Quint have me? I frowned and slowly moved the covers away from my arm and lifted it to get a better look at where he had injected me. He hadn’t been too careful and I had at least five needle marks, which made me shiver; I could only remember two.

What else had happened when I’d been out? I heard that infernal heart monitor beep quicker again. Why did I even have that thing? I pulled off the electrodes that were on my arms and grabbed the cords to the ones on my chest and ripped them off as well. The monitor flatlined and I breathed in relief at not having a lie detector connected to me.

It was incredibly thoughtless of me of course, which I realized about half a second later when doctors and nurses were rushing in through the door and I heard Morgan scream in terror behind them. They stopped just inside the door and I looked up at them with a self-depreciating quirk of a smile.

‘Sorry.’ I muttered and the doctor at the front told the rest to leave, telling them he’d take care of it.

‘Good to see you awake again, Dr. Reid.’ He said and I gave a small wave with my hand that I had lying across my chest, still there after having pulled the electrodes away.

‘I don’t need those, do I?’ I whispered, since that hurt less than talking, and the doctor sighed as he started to reattach the electrodes.

‘I’m afraid we need to monitor you closely for a while yet. You were stabbed in your heart, luckily it was just a smaller laceration, but you were brought to us in the nick of time. It was touch and go for a while.’ He said and checked the EKG before he went towards the door. ‘You need some rest.’

‘Doctor!’ I whispered as loudly as I could before he put his hand on the doorknob, and he turned around. If I told him about the Dilaudid, the risk was that he’d continue giving it to me, to make sure I didn’t get withdrawal symptoms while recovering. But could I really risk killing myself because I didn’t want more of the drug?

‘Dr. Reid?’ The doctor said then and I shook my head.

‘Nothing. Thanks.’ I smiled and he left after a moment of hesitation. As soon as he was out, Morgan came rushing in.

‘What the hell, kid?’ He said angrily. ‘You don’t just tear off the EKG!’

‘Technically…’ I started to explain myself, but he lifted his hand quickly and I flinched back instinctively. He wasn’t about to hit me, I knew that, he was just putting his hand up in the typical gesture for asking me to stop talking. But still I had flinched.

‘No.’ Morgan breathed in horror and shook his head. He put one of his hands on mine, and the other on my shoulder as he sat down. ‘Don’t ever think that I will hurt you, baby.’ He said and I frowned. There it was again. That word; I’d thought I’d dreamt it.

‘Baby?’ I asked and he blanched.

‘Baby boy?’ He said, forming it as a question and I finally understood. I understood why he had been reluctant to share his bed with me, I understood why he’d looked happy to see me and no one else in that ICU room, and I understood why he had looked so panicked when I was dying in his arms. I understood who that scream had belonged to.

‘Love you.’ I tried, and his eyes widened. If I had misjudged, and he didn’t feel the same, I could always claim drug-induced haze.

‘I… Reid…’ He swallowed deeply, but I just looked into his eyes. He didn’t say anything for a while, but he kept his hands on my body, telling me that at the very least, he wasn’t repulsed by my revelation. ‘I… love you, but I can’t…’ He said, pain clear in his eyes. He confused me, why couldn’t he, if he loved me?

‘I can’t do this to you now.’ He clarified and I shook my head. ‘After this…’

‘Need you.’ I said and he let out a breath. It wasn’t about him doing anything to me. What did he think, when I was the one who had started with telling him that I love him? It wasn’t as though I was expecting full commitment from the start.

‘I…’

‘He tried to take you from me.’ I interrupted him with the longest sentence yet and coughed violently. I hadn’t even whispered, so my throat felt as though it was burning. He grabbed a glass of water again and held it to my lips and I drank gratefully.

‘I survived, though. I’m better off than you.’ He said when I finished drinking, and I smiled at him but shook my head, to show him that wasn’t entirely what I had meant.

‘He… called me pretty boy.’ I said and I knew he understood how painful that had been for me when he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. When he opened them again they were shining with unshed tears.

‘Oh, baby.’ He murmured. ‘I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop him.’

‘Not your fault, Der’.’ I went back to whispering again and looked him deep in his eyes as I used that name for the first time. He looked at me in surprise, but I was sure I saw something more there and I squeezed his hand in mine. ‘Tell me again you can’t do this.’

‘I…’ He started, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath before he looked me straight in the eyes. ‘I love you. I have for a long while. And I will wait for you. But I can’t... I won’t do anything that would risk your recovery.’

‘I wouldn’t let you.’ I whispered and felt a shiver run through me.

He leaned over me and gently kissed my lips. I responded in kind, and it felt great, even though all I could manage was a feathery touch. The heart monitor started beating a bit quicker and I felt Morgan snort slightly and turn his lips into a smile. He kissed my lips softly again.

‘I’m going to go crazy with that thing.’ I whispered faintly and he kissed my forehead before he sat down in the chair again, making me frown.

‘You _do_ know I’m not actually a baby…’ I muttered with a raised eyebrow and he just smiled. ‘Right?’ I cleared my throat again, trying to avoid wincing, and was quickly presented with the glass of water from which I drank until he removed it.

‘Oh, believe me. I know you’re anything but.’ He smiled and put the glass away on the side table. I shivered again and he frowned as he pulled my covers up a bit higher.

‘Are you cold?’ He asked and I shook my head as I realized that I wasn’t cold. But I was sweating, and I was starting to feel nauseous. I looked at Derek’s worried face and realized that I couldn’t risk my body not being able to go through withdrawals. It would hurt him too much.

‘Der’. You need to get the doctor.’ I said with a small, self-deprecating smile and he looked at me in horror.

‘Quint… gave me Dilaudid.’ I said and he swore and ran out of the room. I snorted in amusement before I turned over the side of the bed and threw up violently. I could have told him there was an alarm at the side of the bed, of course, but he didn’t need to see this. I threw up again and felt pain rack through my entire body. The heart monitor began to beep a lot more frenetically and I tried to throw up again, but nothing more would come out. I had only had water for the last several hours, so it was just painful dry heaving. As I had suspected, my body couldn’t really take it, and I passed out just as I saw Morgan come through the door again.

…

The incessant beeping woke me up and I opened my eyes to see Morgan’s head lying next to my thigh, one of his hands was resting on my ankle, the other on my wrist. I had to smile, but I frowned when I realized everything was dulled. I wasn’t in pain anymore.

‘No.’ I breathed and Morgan snapped his head up, looking around for what had woken him up before he focused his gaze on me.

‘Hey, baby.’ He said and I smiled.

‘Have to find… better nickname.’

‘I like calling you baby.’ He smiled and tenderly brushed away some hair from over my eye to make it sit behind my ear instead.

‘I notice.’ I said.

‘Angel? Cutie? Smartass?’ He surprised a snort out of me and I shook my head.

‘Not better.’ I chuckled and was again reminded about the fact that I was in far less pain than I should have been. But he leaned forward to give me a small peck on the lips, distracting me for a moment.

 ‘Der’…’ I said when he sat back down in his chair. ‘Did they give me drugs?’

He avoided looking at me, which told me everything I needed to know.

‘They gave me more Dilaudid.’ I sighed and he nodded in confirmation, lips in a thin line.

‘Kid, they had to…’

‘So, I’m back to being kid now?’ I muttered in annoyance and he turned his eyes to me in frustration.

‘Sorry.’ I muttered. ‘I just… I’ve already been through it once…’

‘I’ll help.’ He said tenderly. ‘But they couldn’t let you go through withdrawals now, your heart is already under enough stress as it is.’ He bit his lip and I saw that he wanted to say something, but was holding back.

‘What?’ I asked and he shook his head.

‘It’s nothing. It doesn’t matter.’ He said, hugging my hand.

‘What?’ I pressed, and was horrified to see tears forming in his eyes. ‘Derek?’

‘I’m sorry, baby.’ He said, shaking his head. ‘The knife… He actually stabbed you through your heart. I… I didn’t know until we got here. I… almost lost you.’

‘You did everything right, I’m here.’ I tried to comfort him. ‘If you’re still alive when arriving at the hospital, there’s roughly a 50 percent chance of surviving a penetrating cardiac injury, depending on…’

‘Spencer, please.’ He interrupted and sighed deeply. ‘I’m sorry.’

I smiled and squeezed his hand in consolation.

‘I’m still not happy about the Dilaudid.’ I muttered and Morgan opened his mouth to speak, ‘but I understand the reasoning.’ I finished before he could say anything. ‘I’m just… worried.’ I felt my eyes start to get heavy again, the drugs keeping me somewhat sedated.

‘We’ll get through it, love.’ He said with a small smile and I looked at him in surprise.

‘I… think I like that name.’ I smiled back and he chuckled tenderly, leaning in to kiss me on my lips.

‘Get better and I’ll call you that every day.’ He said and I was unable to keep my eyes open anymore, slipping off, for the first time since I had been captured, into a peaceful sleep.

…

The next time I woke, it was to the sound of hushed voices.

‘How is he?’ I heard Hotch ask.

‘Better, but…’ I heard Morgan hesitate, and I was unsure myself if I wanted Morgan to tell about my latest admission regarding the drugs or not. ‘It will take time.’ Morgan finished with a sigh.

‘We’ll all be there for him.’ Hotch said gently.

‘Where’s Jack?’

‘Will is watching him. JJ will come by after she’s finished her shopping.’

Whenever JJ went shopping it was a Tuesday or a Saturday. I was taken on a Thursday, so I was going on at least two, but probably five days since my abduction. I opened my eyes and looked between the two men who were looking at each other.

‘How long?’ I whispered, and saw Hotch flinch before he looked down at me.

‘Reid. How are you?’ He asked and I just gave a small smile and a nod, looking at them expectantly. I had asked the first question after all.

‘You were gone for five days. He returned to your apartment yesterday.’

‘You figured it out.’ I whispered, smiling faintly.

‘You left a somewhat… glaringly obvious hint.’ Morgan said and he got up from the chair and filled up a glass of water.

‘Wasn’t sure.’

‘We were close to giving up.’ Prentiss said sadly from the door and I lifted my head to try to see her better. ‘We figured he would have gone back quicker than in five days.’

‘You didn’t give up.’ I said and coughed, trying to make the tightness in my throat disappear.

‘Here, Reid.’ Morgan said, holding the glass in front of me, and I looked at him in amusement

‘Up.’ I chuckled and he smiled back, helping my lift my head, a feat I had noticed I was unable to do on my own, as it required me using my abdominal muscles, and they were currently out of order. I drank it gratefully, and for once, he let me finish the entire glass.

‘Cute.’ JJ chuckled from the door and I rolled my eyes.

‘No one knocks?’ I grated out.

‘Oh, Spence.’ She said then, taking a step towards me. I wondered if I was kicking her maternal side into high gear. ‘I should have insisted you come to the office.’

‘Everyone’s blaming themselves?’ I asked with a small smile, and they looked down at the floor, except for Emily, who raised a hand.

‘I’m not.’ She grinned and I snorted in amusement. Apparently even that hurt too badly and I finished with a small groan. I frowned; the Dilaudid should have taken the edge off the pain.

Morgan put a hand on my upper left arm and pulled slightly to the side, making me realize I had been scratching my right arm, right over the needle marks.

‘Nothing was your fault. I’m just glad you were there.’ I said.

‘Always, kid.’ Rossi said, just having entered, and I shook my head, pursing my lips in annoyance. Everyone started to laugh; I’m not sure it wasn’t me they were laughing at, but it was nice to hear them all.

‘Reid,’ Hotch said after a while, a lot more seriously. ‘We still haven’t had any luck in finding the place where he took you. Do you remember where it was.’

I rolled my eyes at him and raised an eyebrow.

‘Of course he remembers.’ Rossi chuckled, but it actually struck a nerve, because I didn’t remember everything that had been done to me in that cabin, and suddenly the heart monitor started beeping quicker again and Morgan again pulled at my arm, making me stop scratching.

‘We can leave it, Spencer.’ Rossi said, and everyone was looking at me intently.

‘I… I don’t remember.’ I lied. I don’t lie! And yet I did this time; I knew I had to see the cabin first. I couldn’t let my team go in there and see things… see things I wasn’t even aware of yet. The beeps from the heart monitor became even more frantic, and I hoped they wouldn’t connect it to me lying, but rather to me trying to remember a traumatic event. In reality, it was a bit of both.

Everyone was looking at me in surprise, but didn’t say anything, because what could ever make me forget? They were afraid of bringing up some obscure, hidden memory. But that was what I was afraid of as well, so I couldn’t really blame them.

Morgan gave a small squeeze on my arm again and I clenched my teeth.

‘What the hell is so wrong with me scratching anyways?' I spat and coughed violently from the stress on my throat. I was losing control over myself.

‘Reid…’ Morgan said sadly and I looked up at him, and then at the rest of the team. Everyone was looking at me in various degrees of shocked surprise, and I sighed deeply. There was no good way out of this.

‘I… You saw the entry on how to make the… victims obey, right?’ I whispered and everyone nodded.

I hesitated a moment before continuing. ‘He obviously thought… Dilaudid would fit the criteria for me.’ I coughed again and turned my eyes away from everyone’s judging gazes.

‘Spence.’ JJ breathed and hunched down next to the bed, gently moving my head so I was looking at her. ‘This isn’t your fault either. Please don’t think we blame you for this in any way. You just focus on getting better.’ She said and I nodded slowly.

I heard what she was saying, but the fact remains that I had, despite all admonishments not to, been alone. I had left Morgan alone. I hadn’t even had my gun on my person. No matter what she said, I could only blame this on myself. I closed my eyes tiredly and JJ stroked my cheek with her fingers before she straightened back up.

‘We love you, Spence, we’re always here for you.’ She said and I clenched my eyes quickly so that tears wouldn’t come out when I opened them again. ‘We’ll check in on you tomorrow.’ She said with a final touch on my cheek.

‘I… thank you.’ I said as they were milling out of the room. I could feel a lone tear fall down my cheek, despite my attempts to halt them.

‘Baby…’ Morgan said silently and sat down next to me again, reaching up to wipe the tear away. ‘I know you remember.’

I shrugged in embarrassment. I’d known I shouldn’t have lied.

‘I don’t remember everything.’ I whispered in reply, looking at him. ‘I don’t remember everything he did. I have more injuries than I can account for. I have more needle marks… What else can’t I remember?’ I asked, working my way towards panic, and the heart rate went up again.

‘Oh, baby, no. Please calm down.’ He said quickly, glancing at the heart monitor. ‘They ran a rape kit on you; they found no signs of penetrative intercourse.’ He explained and I sobbed in relief. I didn’t miss that he had made sure to say penetrative, leaving a whole lot more, but I would take it. I looked at Derek and strained myself to reach for him. He didn’t make me strain for long and came down to meet me. He hugged me carefully around my shoulders, but I needed more. I hadn’t had a true, loving touch for so long.

‘Hold me, please.’ I heard myself sob brokenly.

‘I don’t want to hurt you.’ He said, but held tighter and leaned over me, putting his chest against mine. It hurt, but it was in a good way. I needed this, and I knew how sick that sounded, but I don’t think it was the actual pain that I needed. It was Morgan that I needed. I hid my face against his neck and breathed in his scent when I thought of something and started to chuckle, making Derek pull away and look into my eyes in concern. He probably thought I was crying.

‘Reid?’ He asked, frowning.

‘How will we explain this to the family?’ I chuckled and he hugged me again, laughing.

‘Carefully. Very carefully.’

 


	10. Aftermath

I had moved in with Morgan for my recovery, and none in the team seemed to have been surprised by it. To be honest, they appeared to be a bit relieved that I wouldn’t be alone. In some way, they had probably expected it, considering they knew how guilty Morgan felt about the whole deal. It was however more than likely that they were expecting that I move back home once I was better, and I wasn’t sure that was going to happen. At the very least, I had no intention of moving back to my apartment, even though nothing had actually happened there.

Basically, my apartment screams of loneliness. I’ve been living there since I moved to Virginia, and I have barely ever even had any guests over. Normally, that doesn’t bother me; I enjoy being alone and being able to sit down in my chair with a good book. But now it had a dark feeling to it. Morgan’s place however, it just screams of Morgan, and it makes me feel grounded and comfortable. With Morgan, I’m able to sit down in a chair and read while he does other things, and I’m still able to feel comfortable with that. I don’t feel that I have to entertain him, or even talk to him, but yet he’s there as a constant, comforting presence. I feel safe here. I feel safe with him. But when I’m alone, I still have a hard time from stopping the dark thoughts from creeping up on me.

Quint was dead, but so many people had lost their lives because of him. Deep in my mind, I thought “because of me”, but I was trying to avoid giving too much attention to that part of myself. They had found the boy that Quint had been protecting prior to finding me. He had told me the boy had been sick which wasn’t a lie in itself as he’d had a heart condition, but he had been Quint’s first kill. As we had suspected it was after that that he’d started killing my academic colleagues, and taking… substitutes. He’d started stalking me ever since his first victim had gotten the diagnosis. I shivered.

‘Hey, Spencer, you sure you don’t want me to stay back today?’ Derek asked, looking at me in concern as he came into the kitchen and grabbed a cup of coffee before he sat down across from me at the table.

‘You’ve already taken seven days of vacation since I came back. You need to get back to work.’ I forced myself to look indifferent about it. He had barely left my side since I woke up at the hospital, for which I was grateful, but I couldn’t keep relying on him to keep my mind at ease.

‘I don’t…’ he sighed softly and put his hands over mine that were wrapped around my coffee cup. ‘I’m more concerned about what you need.’

‘I’m fine.’ I smiled. ‘I don’t need to be under constant surveillance.’

‘Surveillance?’

‘Aren’t you watching me around the clock?’

‘Only because I enjoy watching you, love.’ He said and I looked at him in embarrassment. Obviously, I had set myself up for that remark.

He sighed. ‘All right, fine, I’ll go. But I’ll call you during lunch. Get some more rest.’ He said, moving his hands away from mine and standing up.

‘I’ve been resting.’ I said petulantly. He just came around the table, bent down for a kiss and went off to get ready for work.

I stayed back, tending to my coffee. I was still incredibly quick to tire. I’d been released from the hospital after eight days, with instructions not to do anything strenuous and to come back in a couple of weeks for a return appointment. When Morgan had driven me home, he hadn’t even asked where we were going, he’d just taken me to his place and tucked me in the bed, since the car ride had been a bit of a pain. And before that, obviously, I had been sleeping a lot in the hospital. So I really had been resting! A lot!

‘Baby, rest!’ Morgan called as he came back out from the bathroom.

‘I give up.’ I shook my head, and carefully got to my feet. I wasn’t really able to move around a lot. The broken ankle made it impossible to walk normally. A hairline fracture and the still healing gunshot wound in my right arm made it impossible to use two crutches. I had gotten a wheelchair from the hospital, but I didn’t really like using it and I had opted for using just one crutch. I wasn’t supposed to be moving around much anyways.

‘Let me help.’ Morgan muttered softly and gently wrapped his arm around my waist. I did my best to avoid wincing as he touched me. I’d gotten used to every touch hurting, so even though the bruises had healed and the ribs were well on their way to healing, I braced myself for a pain I was somehow sure would come. ‘I can go get the wheelchair.’ He said softly as we walked slowly towards the bedroom.

‘I like being able to move around on my own.’ I said and he made a sound of disbelief.

‘Yeah, like you’re doing right now.’ He helped me sit down on the bed.

‘Pretty much.’ I agreed and used my hands to carefully lift my broken ankle onto the bed.

‘Call if you need anything.’ Derek said tenderly and leaned down for a kiss before he left for work.

I listened as he locked the door and waited for about five minutes before I got out of bed, hobbled my way over to my bag and dug out the copies of the remaining journals I’d asked Garcia to make for me. I carefully sat down in the couch and started to read.

I was terrified by the gaps in my memory, wondering what had been done to me during this time. I was rather certain Quint wouldn’t have shot me up while I was already out. Which meant that my mind was protecting me from something, and the memories were definitely there, somewhere and I thought that maybe the journals would jog them out.

It’s very possible that it wasn’t the smartest thing to do the first time I was completely alone. I hadn’t read them up until now because I was worried about what Derek would think. But he didn’t understand how incredibly disconcerting it was for me to have forgotten parts of what had happened to me.

Unfortunately, as sick as the journals were, and as much as I recognized from my own time in captivity, I couldn’t remember anything more.

…

I woke up to hearing the phone ringing, and groaned when I realized that I had fallen asleep in the couch and the phone was still by the bed. I got up, making the papers fall to the floor. I hesitated for a moment before I decided to leave the papers for now and hopped on my good leg, supporting myself against the wall, to get to the phone. Just as I reached it, it stopped ringing and I cursed softly as I hit redial.

‘Reid!’ Morgan answered immediately, sounding terrified.

‘Sorry, I was sleeping.’ I said honestly and I heard him let out a small breath.

‘You all right?’

‘Yeah, I’m good.’ I said, worrying at my bottom lip with my teeth. I knew what I had to do to try and jog my memory, but how could I ask him?

‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ He asked and I sighed.

‘Stop profiling me.’ I admonished gently. ‘I was on the couch and kind of had to hurry to get to the phone.’

‘I thought you said you were sleeping?’

‘I was. On the couch.’

‘Why?’ He asked after a moment of hesitation.

‘Listen, Derek, I… I need you to do something for me?’

‘Anything.’ He said, and I could tell he was getting genuinely worried.

‘Could you get the team and come pick me up. I need to go to the cabin.’

‘What? Just give us the direction, we’ll go.’

‘No. I’m not letting you guys see it without me.’

‘Reid…’

‘Just… please?’ I said and he sighed.

‘We’ll pick you up in thirty.’

‘Thanks… Love you.’ I added the last part as a bit of an afterthought; it was the first time we spoke on the phone since we’d confessed to each other. I knew he was at work, probably with the others nearby since he’d called me Reid when he picked up, so he wouldn’t really be able to respond in kind, but I still felt the need to tell him.

‘You too.’ He said warmly, and I felt a little giddy. I probably had the most stupid smile on my face as I hung up the phone.

We’d had the discussion previously, about me just giving them the location to the cabin. I was feeling very guilty about making Derek keep the fact that I remembered where the cabin was from the rest of the team. I kept telling myself that it was all right. We had enough evidence on Quint already, and the shooting had already been declared just. But, for all intents and purposes, I was withholding evidence, and I was making Derek help me do it. It was selfish of me, and besides that part, it was also highly unprofessional. I knew that. But still I hadn’t been able to bring myself to divulge the location of the cabin.

…

True to Derek’s words, an SUV pulled up outside of his place after thirty minutes. I hobbled my way outside and the back door to the SUV opened. I got inside and smiled comfortingly at Morgan who sat in the back seat next to me. Hotch and JJ were sitting in the front, with Hotch at the wheels.

‘Rossi and Emily are on an interview.’ Morgan answered my unasked question.

I nodded, not entirely sure how I felt about that. Had I been able, I would have gone out completely alone, sparing everyone the experience. But since I couldn’t, I wanted them all there, to support each other. And, to be honest, to support me.

‘Reid?’ Hotch asked. ‘Where to?’ I hadn’t even realized the car had started moving.

‘Fort Valley.’ I muttered and wrapped my uninjured arm around my midsection, trying to convince myself that my ribs weren’t trying to crawl their way out of my skin.

‘Hey, Reid.’ Derek said, concern clear in his voice and I gave him a small smile, slightly uncomfortable with the fact that he brought attention to how incredibly frail I was right now.

‘I’m fine.’

‘What made you remember it now, Reid?’ JJ asked curiously and I looked away in guilt.

‘He never forgot.’ Hotch answered for me. When I thought about it, it was obvious that he’d known. After all, he hadn’t even asked me to go through a cognitive interview.

‘I’m sorry.’ I said.

‘It’s okay, Reid.’ Hotch said, making me lift my eyebrows in surprise. That was a far cry from the rebuke I had expected. ‘We had enough evidence against Quint already. We didn’t need to push you right then for something you didn’t want to share.’

‘Thanks, guys.’ I said, entirely embarrassed that they had to go out of their way to protect my state of mind. I knew that they always would though.

‘We’ve got your back, Spence.’ JJ said comfortingly, reaching back with her hand and patted me on the knee before she turned back around.

The two-hour car trip was torture. My ribs were screaming bloody murder, and the strain on the knife-wound was excruciating. I couldn’t really lean back properly against the seat, so I had twisted, leaning my right shoulder against the door and my left against the seat. You would think the gun-wound had healed more, but when I used that shoulder to keep balanced, I certainly noticed it hadn’t.

Morgan was shooting me concerned glances the entire ride, and I caught myself thinking I was happy we hadn’t shared any details with the team yet; because I had no doubt in my mind that all that he wanted to do was to gather me up and protect me against the evil car that was currently hurting me. The thought made me chuckle. Derek’s surprised look made me laugh even harder, and I knew I was working my way towards panic, so I forced myself to stop.

‘Care to share?’ Morgan asked when I’d calmed down, caught somewhere in between being amused and concerned.

‘No.’ I said, just as I saw the turn coming up. ‘Up right through the woods here, Hotch.’

The cabin soon came into full view. It was larger than I had thought, but then again, he had kept me in one room the entire time. The windows were barred, just as I remembered.

As soon as Hotch stopped the car, I got out and almost fell to the ground. JJ put her hand around my arm, helping me stabilize myself, before she handed me my crutch. I took it gratefully, and leaned on it. Derek hovered on my other side. Hotch was making a call to Garcia, giving her our position and asking her to send out a team for evidence gathering before he also joined us. I was sure he’d waited with doing it so we could have some time to go through the cabin on our own first. I gave Hotch a nod to show him that I was grateful and he responded with a small nod of his own. I swallowed tightly as I turned my head towards the cabin and got an increasing feeling of trepidation in the pit of my stomach.

‘We don’t have to do this now.’ Derek said, trying to give me an out, but I shook my head.

‘I do.’ I muttered and slowly made my way towards the cabin.

It wasn’t a surprise that the cabin was locked, but Derek made quick work of it. We stepped directly into the kitchen area and I immediately went to the left. Morgan followed me while Hotch and JJ went to clear the rooms to the right.

I stopped for a moment outside of the first door and took a deep breath to steady myself. I wasn’t entirely sure I actually wanted to do this anymore. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what was behind these doors.

‘Spencer?’ Morgan whispered softly, and I felt his hand brush mine carefully. I turned my head a bit to look at him and I gave him what I hoped was a comforting smile before I put my hand on the doorknob and twisted it open.

The smell hit me immediately, and I heard Morgan gag at my side.

‘Stay back for a bit.’ I muttered, wanting to see it alone first, and took a step inside of the room, walking onto the spread newspapers.

The window was where I remembered it, with the bowls of food and water underneath. The oversized dog bed sat inconspicuously in the corner. Blood was splattered everywhere. Some pools were larger than others. One in particular caught my attention, and I remembered the moment I had thrown up all that blood, terrifying myself. The smell was coming from the other corner, and though I finally remembered what I would find when looking towards it, I couldn’t stop myself. I turned to it and saw the feces he hadn’t bothered to clean up before we’d left. I swallowed tightly, feeling bile start to rise in my throat. Why had I asked my team to come? They didn’t need to see this.

I flinched when I felt a soft hand take a hold of mine and squeeze it gently. It was JJ subtly reminding me they had my back. They would be there for me. I squeezed back, grateful, but still not entirely convinced I had made the correct choice in bringing them here.

I limped over to the bowls and frowned as I saw a clear fluid on the newspaper. I could feel my heart try to beat its way out of my chest, or possibly crawl out of my throat. I knew what that was, and saw Quint stand in front of me, masturbating, and everything came back to me. I was going to throw up.

I left, as quickly as I could with my crutch, and I heard the others call after me. As soon as I was outside of the cabin, I fell to my hands and knees, barely noticing the added pain, and threw up violently.

‘Spence.’ JJ whispered next to me and gently gathered my hair back as I retched.

‘Sorry.’ I moaned, feeling tears come to my eyes from the force of the heaving.

‘Don’t worry, Spence.’ She said and put her free hand on my back, drawing small circles with it. I tried my best to avoid flinching at her touch. At least I managed to contain it to simply tensing up, which could easily be attributed to the fact that I was throwing up. She shouldn’t touch me.

It was minutes before I was anywhere near done, and when I was, I was exhausted. I was in so much pain, both physical and psychological. I leaned over to my side, and felt myself sway. Somehow Derek managed to get there in time, and he caught me around my shoulders. I tensed up again. Just what did he think of me now, after having seen that? But when I thought about it, he’d probably known. I must have been covered in body fluids when I was rescued as well, and he had only told me no signs of intercourse had been found. Why hadn’t he told me?

‘Spencer.’ Derek whispered softly, voice shaking. I just shook my head, not really up to talking. ‘Please.’ He begged and I pushed away from him, getting to my feet. I immediately stumbled and Morgan made a grab for me again but I waved him off again.

‘Morgan,’ Hotch said, ‘go and help close off the crime scene.’ Apparently the forensics team had arrived. ‘Jareau, help Spencer into the car, we’re leaving in a moment.’ I wasn’t too far gone to reflect over the fact that Hotch was using my first name, giving me a clear indicator that he was worried.

I could almost hear Morgan growl as he turned away from me. Then JJ put her hand on mine and I wrapped my injured arm around her shoulders as she handed me the crutch. I sighed, realizing I wouldn’t get out of it, so I leaned heavily on the crutch and just put a little weight on JJ as we walked slowly to the car.

She helped me get inside and I took a deep breath as she closed the door after me. I was alone, and I was hurting, and I just wanted a fix. I froze at the thought and shivered violently as JJ got into the car on the other side.

‘Spence.’ she cooed gently, scooting closer and reaching out to put her hand over mine that was frantically scratching the crook of my elbow.

‘I’m fine.’ I think I was trying to convince myself as much as I was trying to convince her.

‘Spence, I don’t have to be a profiler to see that you aren’t fine.’ She muttered.

‘I will be. Just… give me a moment.’ I said and she squeezed my hand tightly before letting it go as Morgan and Hotch got into the car. I crossed my arms over my chest, making sure I wouldn’t scratch anymore. I couldn’t let them see how close I was to breaking.

The ride back was taken in complete silence. I was staring out of the window, without really seeing what we were passing. I remembered the exact moment I had felt my rib crack under the force of his kicks. I remembered how he had made me do all my business on the newspapers, and how he had cleaned it up twice a day. I remembered how he had been petting me, and how he’d been touching himself while I was drinking from the water bowl. I remembered… oh gods, I didn’t want to remember. I felt a shiver run through my body. I felt dirty.

‘Reid.’ Morgan said softly, and I jumped. ‘We’re here.’ He said and nodded towards the house, apparently Hotch had already stopped the car. I was confused at how fast we’d gotten there before I realized I’d been zoning out during the entire ride.

‘Sorry.’ I murmured. ‘Thanks, guys.’ I avoided looking at anyone as I slowly got out of the car, leaning on the crutch. Morgan was quickly hovering beside me and I heard the car pull away. Ten seconds later, Morgan pulled me into his arms, making me squirm.

‘Let me go, Morgan.’ I said, and he pulled back a bit, but kept me at arms length, looking into my eyes. He was looking for something to tell him that I was fine, that I wasn’t distancing myself from him. But I wasn’t fine.

‘Kid…’

‘Don’t do that!’ I snapped. ‘You don’t get to profile me and try to get into my head without my say so.’

‘Spencer.’ He breathed. I shook my head angrily and stepped away from him, limping to the door. There, I had to stop, because I didn’t have a key, and I pointedly looked away from Morgan as he unlocked and opened the door.

‘Spencer, please.’ He said, raising his hand to touch me, but dropped it as I glared at him.

‘I’m going to grab a shower.’ I muttered and went directly to the bathroom.

I managed to get out of my clothes, and remove the boot on my broken ankle. Getting over the edge of the bathtub was painful, but once in it, I was grateful it was a tub and not a shower. I didn’t think I could handle standing up for very much longer.

I mechanically reached for the showerhead and turned on the water, letting the stream hit me. I turned up the heat a bit; warmer water is more effective in removing dirt after all. I took the soap and began scrubbing.

Quint had touched me. Everywhere. There wasn’t a single place on me that was clean. But above all that, he had been masturbating, and I remembered when he ejaculated and something wet hit me on the back.

I gagged, and dry heaved over the edge of the tub, having already thrown up everything inside of me.

I became more frantic in my scrubbing and flinched as I felt my skin break.

‘No…’ I whimpered. ‘I can’t…’ I can’t do this. I can’t destroy myself like this. I curled up painfully, feeling the tears burn hot in my eyes.

‘Spencer!’ Derek knocked forcefully on the door, and I vaguely wondered how long he’d been standing there.

‘I…’ I swallowed. ‘Please, help me.’ I said softly, rocking myself to and fro.

I don’t know how he heard me. I don’t know _if_ he heard me. But he opened the door and we looked at each other. The pain in his eyes was clear.

‘Get him off me.’ I whimpered, staring at Derek. I was slightly appalled with myself, but so emotionally drained that I just couldn’t care.

‘Oh, baby.’ He exhaled, grabbed a towel from the rack and took one long step to the edge of the bathtub. He turned off the water and leaned down over me. I reached up, putting my arms around his neck as he put his right arm behind my back, hooking it in my armpit, and then hooked his left arm under my knees. He easily lifted me up and I buried my head against the crook of his neck. I didn’t want to deal anymore.

He gently put me down on the bed and wrapped me tightly in the towel before he sat down behind me and pulled me into his arms again. I put my head against his chest and he moved one of his hands to my head, gently moving his fingers in my hair, holding me close.

‘Talk to me, baby.’ He said and started to rock slowly.

‘You know, rocking can be used to handle…’ I started.

‘Don’t hide, baby.’ He interrupted immediately. ‘Talk to me.’

‘He… he touched me.’ I muttered. I thought it was too low for him to hear but then I realized he had frozen, and I started to pull back. As soon as I did, he tightened his hold around me.

‘I’m sorry, baby. Stay here.’ He said and I sighed.

‘He treated me like a dog. Everything he did was to tell me he was my master…’ I shivered. ‘I couldn’t… _do_ anything.’

‘Baby…’ Morgan muttered and put his chin over my head, as though trying to wrap himself as far around me as possible, trying to protect me. It felt right.

‘The worst parts weren’t the kicks, or even the drugs. I… I said I didn’t want them… but I wasn’t strong enough.’ I felt his breath hitch. While he had helped me through the withdrawals at the hospital, I hadn’t actually _talked_ to him about this part. About the fact that I had actually wanted Quint to drug me. That I had been secretly happy to see the vial brought out. I hadn’t even admitted that part to myself until now.

‘I know no one stronger than you, baby.’ He whispered and I just shook my head in disagreement, but didn’t continue that discussion. Maybe Derek would forget I’d ever mentioned it.

I continued talking instead, to keep him off the conversation that I really wasn’t ready to say anything more about.

‘The worst was what he was doing in between. He was _petting_ me. He was watching me, and touching himself, and I was so scared he was going to move on to touching me like that.’

The rocking intensified in frequency, and I knew this was hard on Morgan. This had actually happened to him, he had gotten through it, and here I was, breaking down for something so much less…

‘No! No, baby. Don’t think that. Don’t diminish this. Don’t diminish _yourself_!’ He said, breath obviously catching in his throat. I’d said it out loud?

‘I antagonized him. He needed me to be pliant to be able to fulfill his fantasy, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t do that.’

‘I know, baby, I know.’ He said tightly, and I turned my head up to look at him. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Morgan crying before, and I didn’t like it, especially when I knew I was the one who had put the tears there.

I turned around ungracefully and put my left hand on the back of his head, pulled him down, and kissed his cheeks gently, tasting the salt from his tears.

‘I’m sorry.’ I said and moved further down to kiss his neck, then to his collarbone, and he gave a small moan and pulled me closer. I started to unbutton his shirt, feeling myself shiver, but then he grabbed my hands with one hand, and lifted my chin up with his other, making me look into his eyes. Apparently, he didn’t find what he was searching for, because he gave a deep sigh.

‘Spencer, we can’t do this now.’

I frowned, turning my head to the side, waiting for an explanation.

‘You… went through something horrible, I can’t…’

‘I want him off me.’ I said, turning my eyes to him, and he looked as though he understood.

‘I know, baby, but this isn’t the way, believe me.’

‘Then what should I do?’ I asked in desperation, and felt the betraying tears fall down from my own eyes.

‘Stay with me. Talk to me. We’ll work our way through it together.’ He said, put his arms around me again and gently lowered us to lie on the bed, and covered me with the blankets. I shivered, feeling how cold I had been.

‘I’ll always stay.’ I said tenderly and he leaned over me to kiss me on my lips before he lay down next to me, pulled me in against his chest and wiggled his arm in under my head.

‘I’m sorry.’ I said after a moment and he froze. ‘Not for… _that_ , but for trying to make you…’

‘Hey.’ He said and put his hand on my chin, using his thumb to turn my head towards him. ‘I love you. Don’t doubt that.’

‘I love you too.’ I leaned forward to kiss him, but winced when my broken ribs chose that time to make themselves reminded. And once I’d felt that first nick of pain, I realized that most of my body was hurting quite a bit,

‘Spencer?’ Derek asked in alarm, and I exhaled sharply, letting my head fall back on his arm.

‘I think maybe I’ve overdone it a bit today.’ I said drily. ‘Do you have some pain meds?’ My mind momentarily travelled to wanting something stronger, but then I looked at Derek. His eyes were full of concern and love, and I couldn’t remember having seen that since some of my mother’s more lucid days, and I felt safe.

It would take time, and it would take effort, but he was right.

We would get through this together.

 

* * *

 

_The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart._

_-Helen Keller_

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me until the end, it means a lot that you’ve taken time of your day to read this story.
> 
> A huge thanks to all that have left comments and kudos, you really make my day.  
> To those of you that have left constructive criticism; I’m grateful that you are pointing out what steps I can take to become a better writer. I will do my best to incorporate what you’ve taught me in any future works.
> 
> Until next time :)
> 
> -yaruna


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